


Forget This Town

by Love (crazylove)



Series: Whatever It Takes [2]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-08
Updated: 2010-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-07 19:31:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazylove/pseuds/Love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anoop goes to Michigan to take Matt home. But he finds out that Matt is already there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forget This Town

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to all my wonderful supporters. I love you!

Even after a year Anoop still got butterflies.

He turned on his phone as soon as they landed and didn't see a message from Matt which meant everything was right on schedule. Anoop took his time getting off the plane and slipping his laptop case over his shoulder so the slim bag hung just over his thigh and stopped in the bathroom on his way to baggage claim. He thought he might use the urinal but instead he stood in front of the mirror and took a deep breath. There was nobody else in there so he just stared at himself for a few moments. It had been a year now, well over a year since the show, but a year since the end of the tour, and Anoop thought he looked different. He looked older, which was a good thing. He liked his new glasses and his hair. He thought his facial hair came in thicker and he could wear it convincingly now. He felt like he had earned it. He felt noticeably buffer from his biceps to his pecs and his dimples seemed to be a little less when he smiled. Those were all very good signs. Life was moving forward. It was getting better. He was doing the things he needed to do.

This trip to Michigan was one more thing he could mark off the list.

He saw himself in the mirror but he imagined Matt staring back at him. He'd probably be smiling, shifting from foot to foot, never able to keep completely still but smiling his intoxicating smile that Anoop still found horribly irresistible. It had been a while since he'd seen Matt-- at least six weeks but probably more. Anoop could barely keep track of the days sometimes but he knew that Matt wasn't in them. He took a deep breath with the imaginary Matt in front of him and let it out slowly. He pictured Matt grabbing his arm and saying something like, _What's going on, Noop?_

"Matt," Anoop said to the mirror. He didn't know why this was so hard. He remembered that promise they made in their hotel room on the last day with their bodies close together on the bed. They promised not to forget each other, to keep things how they were, to wait, patiently, for the time when their lives would come together again.

Anoop was tired of waiting. If there was anything Anoop had learned over the past year it was that he couldn't wait. He needed to make things happen for himself.

"Matt," he said, more confident this time. "Come to LA. I want you to move in with me."

He stopped talking after that. It should be that simple.

His hands were shaking anyway.

By the time Anoop got down to baggage claim Matt was standing near a clump of chairs with Anoop's suitcase beside him.

"Hey," Matt called, waving when Anoop was still too far away to answer without raising his voice. Anoop started walking faster. He watched Matt's grin until he was close enough to touch him.

"I remembered which one is yours," Matt said. "You didn't have anything else, did you?"

Anoop just stood there, taking him all in. Sometimes it seemed it felt a dream when they were finally together again but then Matt took his arm and Anoop was jolted back into the present.

"Hey," Anoop said.

"Hey Noop," Matt said softly. Anoop wrapped his arms around Matt's familiar body and buried his face into Matt's sweet smelling neck. Matt hugged him back, just as tightly and he felt Matt's warm breath on his ear and then the light touch of Matt's lips against his cheek. He wanted to kiss him, right there, full on the lips, mouths wide open, tongues tangling together like the first time and the last time and every time. He wanted to push him against a wall and yank his pants down and grab Matt's cock. But he'd have to wait for that. They always had to wait.

"I missed you," Matt said.

Anoop smiled and nuzzled his nose against Matt's because he couldn't help himself. Their mouths were so close together. It was good enough for now.

"That's my bag," Anoop said after a moment.

"I know," Matt said. "I just said that, Noop." They laughed and Anoop didn't want to let him go but he had to, eventually.

"How'd you know?" Anoop said, adjusting the strap of his laptop case and then his glasses. That was the worst part of wearing them. He hated when they slipped out of place. Matt was still touching him, a hand on Anoop's hip. Anoop didn't care what anyone in the Detroit Airport thought.

"I know these things, Noop," Matt said, still smiling. "I know these things about you."

Anoop just smiled and they didn't say anything for a few moments and it was the best silence that Anoop knew.

"You weren't even late," Anoop finally said.

"Oh, I was late," Matt said with a laugh. "You were later."

It was warm outside, verging on hot, and Anoop pushed up his sweatshirt sleeves as they walked to Matt's car, Matt pulling his suitcase for him. They didn't say much, even though the car was on the other side of the garage and then two floors up. Anoop watched Matt open the trunk and put Anoop's suitcase inside. It wasn't that big. In fact, he could have carried it on but he wanted to keep his hands free.

"Do you have anywhere you need to be?" Matt asked, turning to him.

Anoop shook his head. "I came early."

Matt's smile widened and he grabbed Anoop's arm. "You came early?" he said in a teasing voice. Anoop rolled his eyes. "Are you going to come early tonight?"

Anoop leaned toward Matt and spoke in his ear. "I guess you're going to have to find out..."

They started kissing in the parking garage. There was no one around and Anoop couldn't help it. Matt was right there and he'd been holding out for so long. Anoop grabbed the back of Matt's neck, pulling him in closer. He missed the way Matt's lips fit against his, Matt's tongue working in his mouth, Matt's stubble rubbing against his skin. He liked it rough like that, when Matt grabbed his hips and he would reach up to tug Matt's hair.

"What hotel are you staying in?" Matt asked him, breaking the kiss. Anoop opened his eyes slowly and quickly remembered where they were. He stepped away, pulling his reservation from his pocket.

"The Renaissance," he said, squinting at the fuzzy letters. He adjusted his glasses again. He had a feeling that they would be messed up all weekend and he should have brought his contacts.

"I thought you were getting a new car," Anoop said.

"I was but I changed my mind." Matt grinned at him and patted Anoop's knee as he settled in the seat. Anoop didn't mind. He liked the car, the way it smelled like Matt and whatever air freshener he had hanging from the rear-view mirror. He liked the clean windows and Taco Bell wrappers tossed carelessly in the back. Matt kissed him before he pulled out of the parking lot, a sharp, fast kiss that left Anoop's mouth feeling bruised. He touched his lips lightly, watching the parked cars around them until they burst from the parking garage on to the main road. He missed feeling this way.

He was glad they were reuniting in a hotel room and not just because Kalamazoo was two hours away from Detroit where Anoop was doing his promo. Anoop felt like hotels were their place, where everything started, where being together just felt _easier_. They had both been on the road a lot that past summer and in a way it was just like old times when they'd enter an unfamiliar room and look at each other, absolutely sure of what was going to happen next.

He wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

The Renaissance hotel was nice, elegant and grand with a lot of history. The hotels his management put him up in had been getting nicer and Anoop couldn't deny he was happy about that. He had a room on the 24th floor and Matt's arms were around him as soon as they closed the door.

"Hey Anoop," he said, his voice low, leaning in closer.

"Hey Matt," Anoop said.

He kissed Matt, sucked on his lower lip, all those little things he fantasized about in all the weeks in-between. He left his bags at the door and followed Matt to the bed. It was queen-sized, which was big enough, and Anoop ripped off the bedspread before he let Matt get on it. Matt laid on his back and leaned up as Anoop knelt between his legs on the bed and kissed him, harder and harder, nipping at his lips and pressing his hands into Matt's sides. His heart was pounding and his stomach rolled like he was hungry but he only knew it was the effect Matt had on him. The butterflies, the familiar anxiety, the constant yearning for even _more_\-- it was something that Anoop didn't want to give up. He just wanted to feel like this every day. He wanted Matt every day. Now as he snaked his hand into Matt's jeans and rubbed Matt's erection through his underwear he thought about this happening on a daily basis when it wasn't so rushed, so desperate, but it was still just as good.

Anoop couldn't wait.

But first Matt needed to say yes.

Anoop had missed the sounds Matt would make, deep groans in the back of his throat to soft feathery sighs. Anoop liked to see what noises he could elicit, if Matt would do anything new. Right then Matt was panting like a dog while Anoop stroked him, moving his hand up and down Matt's cock, restricted by Matt's jeans and his underwear that they hadn't taken off yet. Matt licked his lips and moved his hips against Anoop's hand, breathing noisily. Anoop sucked at that spot Matt liked right below his ear.

"Damn, Anoop," Matt finally managed to say. "I'm going to come in my pants."

Anoop stopped touching him for a moment. "Has it been that long?

"Fuck," Matt said, sighing. Anoop helped Matt get out of his jeans and then pushed his boxer-briefs down. Now that he had full access to Matt's cock Anoop started jerking him off harder and he could tell by the way Matt's thighs were twitching that he really was close. He watched Matt's eyes rolling in the back of his head and then leaned down to put his tongue against Matt's hot skin, the dip between Matt's throat and his collarbone. Matt was panting harder and Anoop used his thumb to stroke Matt's balls firmly while still stroking him with the other hand. Then Matt came and Anoop wished they had both taken the time to get out of all of their clothes. He looked down into Matt's slightly dazed eyes.

"Looks like you're the one who came early," Anoop said.

Matt groaned and swatted at Anoop's side. "Shut up, Noop."

"I barely touched you."

"You were touching me!" Matt said. He blinked a few times, face still flushed. "You know how to touch me."

"It has been that long," Anoop said.

"You stay away that long," Matt said, lips parted beautifully and Anoop kissed him because he couldn't resist.

"No, you do," Anoop said. He moved in like he was going to kiss Matt again but instead he moved down and used his mouth to lick Matt's cock clean just to hear Matt exhale loudly through his nose. He pushed Matt's shirt up and kissed Matt's stomach until Matt pushed him off gently.

"Anoop," Matt said. Anoop stripped off his sweatshirt and shirt, shrugged off his jeans and underwear just because it was faster. Then he laid back as Matt got up on his knees, hovering over him, staring straight into his face.

"Anoop," Matt said again. "I want to devour you."

"Okay," Anoop said.

"I've been waiting to say that to you." Matt laughed and wrinkled his nose. "Is that weird?"

"Yes," Anoop said. He could still taste Matt's come on his lips as they kissed lightly, slowly sinking deeper into the kiss. Anoop could barely breathe when Matt broke away and began kissing his neck and lower. He let his eyes stay closed, feeling Matt's mouth travel across his chest and down his stomach. Matt's tongue tickled his belly button and Anoop tried not to breathe too quickly because he was already getting dizzy. Matt knew right where to kiss him, where to suck his skin gently like that hollow on his hip that was a magnet for Matt's lips and it made Anoop arch his back every time. Anoop held his breath when he felt Matt's tongue against his balls and his hand was wrapped firmly around the base of Anoop's cock. He started shaking and breathing harder once Matt moved his mouth over Anoop's cock. He sat up and grabbed Matt's arm suddenly.

"Oh God," he said. "Oh shit." Matt stared at him with his mouth open. "Matt, I... I think I'm going to come!"

Matt let go of him and shoved Anoop back on the bed with both hands. "Shut up!" he said while Anoop laughed. "I'm not doing this anymore!"

"Yes, you are," Anoop said.

"Fuck you." Matt was leaning over him now, grinning.

"Yes," Anoop said. "Like you said, it's been too long."

"Way too long," Matt said. "Way too long, Noop."

This time Anoop kept quiet when Matt returned his attention to Anoop's cock. Now he actually felt like he might come soon so he concentrated on keeping himself together just so he could feel Matt's skilled lips around his cock for just a little longer and also to save face. Matt really did seem serious about devouring him, licking every inch of his cock and sucking him hard. They'd gotten better at this. Anoop knew how to relax now, how to help Matt along. Matt's hands were on Anoop's hips and thighs, squeezing and massaging him. Matt could go deep, deeper than Anoop could. He was still working on that.

Anoop swallowed as he got closer. Matt paused occasionally and Anoop would open his eyes to look at Matt smiling down at him. He pressed his hands against his face as he felt his orgasm pooling in the pit of his stomach.

"Anoop," Matt mumbled after he pulled away from Anoop's cock for a moment. Anoop could still feel his breathe there and as soon as Matt's lips were over him again Anoop came--hard, with just a small gasp--and Matt swallowed without any hesitation. He didn't move away immediately. Instead he gave Anoop small kisses down his cock all the way to the inside of his thighs which made Anoop feel wonderfully tingly as his breathing slowly returned to normal. He caught Matt's eye and smiled. Matt grinned back at him.

"Okay," Matt said. "You beat me. You lasted longer than me."

"Just barely," Anoop said.

"Yeah." Matt laughed. "Just barely."

Anoop prepared himself for the kiss as Matt leaned up towards him again but Matt only kissed his shoulder and then rested his head there. They laid together, legs tangled on top of the sheets, Matt's body half on top of his. Anoop felt sticky and unfinished but it wasn't a bad feeling. For the first time in a while he felt like there was plenty of time for more. Anoop played with Matt's hair, burying his fingers in Matt's curls and scratching his scalp. Matt had his eyes closed but his arm was stretched across Anoop's chest, hand curled up against Anoop's bicep.

"You tired?" Matt asked with his eyes still closed.

"No," Anoop said. His heart was pounding. He wondered if Matt could hear it with his ear resting directly over Anoop's heart.

"Me neither," Matt said, and then he didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"Matt?" Anoop said softly.

"I'm awake," Matt mumbled. "I'm just relaxing."

Anoop thought that this could be it. Asking Matt right here wouldn't be too hard. In fact, he wouldn't even ask. It would be a simple statement. _Matt. Move to LA. Come live with me._ Just like that. Anoop worked his fingers into Matt's hair a little deeper. Matt's hair was longer now so there was more room for his fingers to get lost. He pulled at a curl gently but Matt didn't move. His breath was caught in his throat. He kept a hold on Matt's curl until he felt his chest loosen up just enough so he could take a proper, shaky breath.

"Matt," Anoop said again. This time Matt opened his eyes and then he stood up. Anoop's body was immediately cold.

"Where are you going?" Anoop asked, quickly.

"To the bathroom," Matt said. "Do you want to come?"

"Shut up," Anoop mumbled and the moment was over. He watched Matt make his way to the bathroom and then closed his eyes. When he opened them again Matt was curled up beside him and it was two hours later. His forehead was pressed against Anoop's side, head on the mattress instead of the pillow. He looked down at Matt, thinking about his bed in the morning, in LA, when the sun snuck through the slats of his blinds and sometimes he'd lay there in the early morning for nearly an hour thoughts just churning through his mind so intensely that he wasn't able to turn them off. It would be better with Matt there, to take some of that away. They could be like this all the time.

He patted Matt's arm gently. "Hey," he said.

Matt stirred a little. "Mmmm," he mumbled.

"Let's get something to eat," Anoop said.

"Anoop wants to eat?" Matt said, suddenly awake. He kissed Anoop and sat up. "I know where I want to take you. You want to take a shower?"

Anoop thought about it as they were showering together. Dinner was a better place to bring it up. He probably shouldn't do it while they were horizontal. He wanted Matt to know that it was more than that. He didn't need someone easy to fuck every day. If that was all this was Anoop would have given up a long time ago. There was much more to this invitation than that. Most importantly, he wanted Matt to know that he wasn't about to let him get left behind. He knew LA could change things for Matt. It had for Anoop. He needed to make Matt understand that.

They dried off and after Matt tried to snap him with the towel a few times before Anoop snatched it away.

"I want to talk to you about something," Anoop said, looking over Matt's naked body. He never got enough of it.

"Me too," Matt said. "I want to talk to you about something, too."

"What?" Anoop said, pausing a moment because this hadn't occurred to him. "What about?"

"You first."

Anoop didn't say anything for a few moments because he wasn't ready. Then he shook his head. "Nothing..." he said, still looking at Matt skeptically.

"We'll talk about it later," Matt said. He left the bathroom and after a moment Anoop dropped the towels on the floor and followed him.

Matt drove to the restaurant he was talking about and Anoop watched him fascinated as he swerved to dodge potholes in the road that were big enough to swallow the whole car.

"Don't these ever get taken care of?" Anoop said, bracing himself as they rattled through another hole.

"Noop, this is Detroit." Matt rolled his eyes and Anoop was sorry he asked.

Matt took him to some soul food place that looked like a hole in the wall restaurant in the middle of a dying strip mall but on the inside in was bright and warm and inviting. Anoop sat across from Matt in a booth at the back. Their waitress was a good-looking black girl about their age who asked them what color of Kool-Aid they wanted and then brought them out a pitcher of sloshing red liquid. Matt grinned at him before opening the menu.

"What is red?" Anoop asked. "Exactly. Strawberry? Cherry? Raspberry? Watermelon?"

"It's red," Matt said. "The flavor is red."

When Anoop took a sip it actually tasted like pure sugar and he was sure cavities were settling into every single one of his teeth from just the first swallow. He asked for a glass of water so he could water it down and Matt laughed at him.

"You can't take a little Kool-Aid, Noop?" Matt said.

"That can't be legal," Anoop said with a smile. Matt kicked him under the table. Anoop kicked him back and it was nice.

Anoop ordered the barbecue chicken and Matt got pulled pork which Anoop appreciated because that was his second choice and now he wouldn't have to worry about the road not taken. The food came with Macaroni and Cheese, greens, sweet potatoes, black eyed peas and cornbread between the two of them. Anoop couldn't help adding up the astronomical amount of calories in his head but he couldn't deny how good it was. Matt gave him a chunk of his pulled pork sandwich and it was just as good as Anoop was hoping it would be.

"I like this place," Anoop said, when they were slowing down enough that they could take between mouthfuls. Matt nodded, finishing up his sandwich.

"I read it about it in the newspaper," Matt said.

"You read the newspaper?" He stared at Matt for a moment, wondering how much he really missed in all the weeks they weren't together.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Matt asked.

"What?"

"Do you want dessert?" Matt asked. "Sweet potato pie. Apple cobbler?"

Anoop shook his head. He didn't think they needed dessert when the Kool-Aid was like liquid jello. He hoped Matt would forget his question when he didn't say anything but then Matt was talking again.

"I wanted to give you something," Matt said, looking at this hands like he sometimes did. Anoop tried to follow his gaze but he ended up looking back in Matt's face. "A present. Congratulations on your record deal. It's not much."

Anoop frowned, wondering why Matt was acting so shy but then Matt pushed something across the table. Anoop knew what it was as soon as he saw it. He took the ticket from Matt and turned it over. Sure enough it was the same one. Anoop didn't know where the ticket came from originally but it was a hard ticket for their first show on the Idol tour on July 5th, 2009 in Portland. He and Matt had signed the back. It was Matt's silly idea, of course. Matt could always get Anoop to go along with him. Anoop remembered taking the felt tip pen and adding his signature next to Matt's in their hotel room with the ugly striped wallpaper. He remembered the next part better, when Matt grabbed his arm and then they were kissing, the ticket fluttering on the floor between them. It was the first time they hooked up even though he had fantasized about it hundreds of times before. He felt more focused on stage after it finally happened, more focused about everything. There was nothing to worry about anymore. The kiss had been even better than he imagined and, God, he had just _wanted_ it.

He couldn't wait until the next time.

Anoop flipped the ticket over again, looking at the front. The ticket was for seat 14 in row G. Anoop had no idea where that could be but it sounded like a good seat, a close one. He felt bad that he hadn't really wondered what happened to this ticket before.

"I don't know..." Matt said but he was looking at Anoop and Anoop knew that they both _did_ know. He reached across the table for Matt's hand and squeezed it quickly.

"Thank you," Anoop said. "I won't forget."

"I'm so proud of you," Matt said, smiling widely. Anoop almost wished there was some hint of jealously or insincerity in Matt's words but there was nothing. "It's what you wanted. You finally got it, Noop."

Anoop smiled because the record deal was what he thought he wanted at first but now that he had it he knew that he really wanted so much more. He didn't have it all.

Not yet.

"I can't believe you kept this," Anoop said.

"Why wouldn't I?" Matt said. "It's our roots, man. That's our beginning, you know?"

Anoop nodded. He wanted to kiss Matt right there in the middle of the restuarant but instead he brought the ticket to his face and took a deep breath like he could still smell last summer. It was one of the best eras of his life and he didn't even know it back then. He hated that he spent a good amount of the tour rushing the summer to an end.

"It's been a year today," Anoop said, thinking back to the end, the final day of the tour, the last time he saw Matt for months. Matt with a silly smile on his face and tears in his eyes, waving goodbye just before his car drove away. Anoop took everything for granted back then. He never thought that their separation would last so long, that they would see each other so little in all the months afterward. Anoop was a different person now. He knew how to truly appreciate everything that was given to him, everything that he had worked for. He was ready for this long separation to end.

"Wow!" Matt said. "The tour is like another life! It's like we're a cat, you know, and this is life number 4. Meow!" Matt made a realistic cat noise. Anoop really didn't follow his metaphor so he reached across the table and ran his hand down Matt's arm.

"Matt," he said, closing his hand around Matt's wrist and the chunky white watch he was wearing that day. His heart was pounding but it was past time to do this.

"You gonna have dessert?" their waitress said, standing in front of their booth suddenly. Anoop quickly let Matt go.

"He said no," Matt said. "But I think I want to try the cobbler. Do you have, like, ice cream?"

"Sure, we do," the waitress said. "Vanilla good?"

"Yeah and make it like, gobs of ice cream," Matt said. "Thanks!"

The waitress tilted her head and didn't leave right away. "I've see you before," she said. "Didn't you do that concert up at State?"

"Yeah, that's me. Guilty as charged."

The waitress raised her eyebrows, looking him over again. "That was a good show."

"Thank you," Matt said. "Glad you were there."

"I was pretty far back," the waitress said. "So I couldn't see too well. I must say, you're much cuter up-close."

Matt grinned while Anoop wanted to roll his eyes. "So are you," Matt said smoothly.

"I'll go get the dessert for you," she said. "With lots of ice cream."

She gave Matt a flirty little smile before she left. Matt started laughing.

"Am I really cuter up-close, Noop?" he asked.

Anoop couldn't even force a smile. It annoyed him that he couldn't even say anything, that he just had to sit back when that type of situation happened right in front of him. It would be different out in LA. Maybe Anoop would feel more comfortable. At least he'd give the other an intimidating stare.

Anoop didn't say anything until the waitress came back with the huge plate of ice cream and cobbler and set it between them.

"You have to try some of this," Matt said, spoon already in his mouth.

"Can you hurry up?" Anoop said. "I want to go back to the room. I have a headache." He really did have an ache, right between his eyes, and it felt a lot like all those lonely nights he'd spend without Matt, just missing him.

* 

Anoop decided not to think about it. After all, they had a couple more days together and he needed to go to bed early. It had been a long couple of weeks doing heavy press for the newest single, his first single with the label. His CD was scheduled for a late 4th quarter release. Putting it together had been easy since Anoop had most of the songs already and he was only willing to work for a record company that would be willing to let him use his own material with all of the rights and privileges and agreements he already had.

He always dreamed of a major label deal until he came close to one. Then he realized that wasn't what he wanted. Now he was working with a indie label that had a lot of big label connections and he was glad he had to struggle to do this by himself in the beginning because it taught him about the type of artist he was truly meant to be.

Now he was working on putting the rest of his life together.

Matt got in the bed with him even though he said he wasn't tired. He wrapped his arms around Anoop and kissed his forehead. Anoop thought he would never get sick of those moments.

"I don't think I can wake up tomorrow, Noop," Matt said.

"That's okay," Anoop said. He watched Matt's throat move as he swallowed. "I don't need you to come with me."

"But I'm gonna get up in time to listen to at least one of them," Matt said. He kissed Anoop lightly. "I love hearing you on the radio. I'm always like, yeah, it's Noop!"

He smiled at Matt, everything unfocused because he'd already taken his glasses off for bed. "I want to hear you on the radio."

"Ah..." Matt said, with a sad sort of smile on his face that Anoop saw in double-vision. "Well, that's what the auxiliary cord for your iPod is for."

Anoop pressed his hands against Matt's cheeks. "Not good enough," he said. He felt bad when Matt pulled away.

"You should get to sleep," Matt said, laying on his back now, the space between them chilly and unwanted. "And set three alarms because I'm not going to help wake you up."

"What are you going to do now?" Anoop asked, moving to rest his head on the pillow. He willed Matt to hold him again but Matt was just laying there and now they weren't even touching.

"I'll probably just go to sleep," Matt said, "It's been a long day for me, too. You're not the only one that's busy."

Anoop turned over to side because it was easier for him to fall asleep that way. But he didn't fall asleep for a while and he could tell from Matt's shallow breathing that he wasn't sleeping either even though he was very still. Anoop didn't feel relaxed until Matt moved in closer and then he opened his eyes when his iPhone alarm rang at six am. He worried that he might be dreaming but Matt was still there, chin nestled against Anoop's shoulder, arm flung carelessly across him, keeping him right there next to Matt where Anoop wanted to be. He blinked in the darkness, careful not to disturb anything. Anoop knew he couldn't say in bed forever but he did hit snooze twice.

Radio station interviews were pretty much all the same but Anoop knew he still needed to stay on his toes. At least they had moved away from the Idol questions now that his first EP was out there. Most questions now centered around what people could expect on the CD and where he got his ideas from. Anoop did all of the name-dropping and pimping that was required of him. He enjoyed the challenge of answering the silly questions with an answer that was both funny and carefully considered. He also needed to make sure the focused on his first single, Compromises, a slow jam R&amp;B song that they wanted to make sure had a lot of crossover plays between different genre radio stations.

Anoop had three interviews lined up and each station gave him coffee and tried to give him donuts or bagels and one place even had oatmeal. Anoop turned down the food but the coffee was essential.

He blew on his coffee as he settled into his seat for the last radio interview at WDRQ, one of the main pop stations in the area. He was just about to take a sip when his phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the message.

_ Caught the second show! You cracked me up taking about that dog on the plane. You sound so happy. I'm going to go back to sleep. HA!!_

Anoop grinned as he read it and he was still grinning when the DJs came back in the booth.

"What's that smile all about?" one of them asked and then everything was blinking and the DJ flipped a button that meant mics were on and they were back on the show.

"We're here with Anoop Desai who was just grinning at his phone like a love-sick idiot. So, Anoop, spill! Who just texted you? Was that your girlfriend?"

Anoop shook his head, momentarily forgetting that they were in the radio. Then he quickly added, "No."

"Then who else could it be? Your mommy?"

"This is a family show!" the other DJ warned.

"What? I was talking about his _mom_!"

Luckily the DJs got quite off-topic after that and Anoop didn't really have to give an explanation but his heart was still racing long after the interview was over. He wondered if it would still be like that when Matt was living with him in LA or would he be able to go on the radio station and when they asked him why he was grinning and say, _Matt. I'm talking to Matt._

* 

By the time Anoop got back to the hotel room Matt looked like he had just woken up but he was sitting on the edge of the bed in front of the TV, dressed with a sleepy smile on his face.

"How was it?" he asked.

"I had to do the last station ID ten times," Anoop said. "I don't know why."

"Because they couldn't get enough of you," Matt said. Anoop stood in front of Matt and leaned down to kiss him. It didn't take long until he was on the bed, straddling Matt's body as they made out lazily. When Anoop finally pulled away Matt's lips were red and he looked a little more awake.

"When do we have to check out of here?" Matt asked.

"Whenever we want," Anoop said even though that wasn't true.

"Do we have enough time?" Matt asked but Anoop was already tugging off his shirt. It didn't take them too long even though Matt lasted much longer this time. By the time Anoop turned his keys in Matt was already waiting up front, behind the wheel of his car. Anoop threw his bag in the back and got in the front seat.

"Two hours until K-Zoo," Matt said. "Did you go to the bathroom?"

Anoop rolled his eyes. "Just drive, Matt."

Anoop hadn't ruled out the car. Two hours was a substantial car ride. They could have a lot of conversation on the way there. But Matt kept finding a song he liked and cranking the music up. Then they heard Anoop's single on the radio and Anoop had to call a couple of people. They stopped at a diner for lunch but Anoop was barely able to eat because he didn't like the food and also because he was undeniably nervous. He wiped his hands on his shorts when Matt took the bill and paid for both of them. On their way back to the car he took a deep breath. Then he put his hand on Matt's arm.

"Matt," he said.

"Anoop!" Matt said, looking past him. Anoop turned to follow his gaze. It took him a minute but then he spotted the music store that Matt was lusting after.

"Let's go in," Matt said. He was already halfway there. Anoop took another breath. He didn't think he had done so much deep breathing in his life.

He'd waited this long. He'd waited a whole year. He could wait a few more minutes for Matt to go in the store.

The store was about half a block away through an empty parking lot. It wasn't much but it was bigger than it looked like from the outside, clean and well-organized. There was a section of sheet music and CDs and all sorts of instruments like drums, keyboards, saxophones and the electric guitars were hanging from the walls. Anoop looked around quickly but he knew exactly where Matt was going.

The piano was in the center of the store, shiny and white, elegant, with a gold trim. Anoop didn't know much about pianos but he couldn't deny that it was gorgeous. Matt danced over to it like a little kid but then he stopped and looked around.

"You think it's okay?" he asked. Anoop realized that they hadn't seen a salesperson in there yet. Who would just leave all these instruments unattended? But there was no one behind the counter, nobody lurking in a closet somewhere. Anoop turned back to Matt who was staring at the piano.

"Why not?" Anoop said, because Matt needed that. The bench matched the piano. Anoop sat beside Matt on it but he felt like he was in a foreign place while Matt looked like he was completely at ease. He watched Matt lay his fingers on the keys lightly with a ridiculously huge smile on his face. He didn't play anything at first. He just held his fingers in position and grinned at Anoop.

"What?" Anoop said.

"What should I play?"

Anoop shruged. "Whatever you want."

Matt looked at the keys again. "An Anoop Desai original," he said. Anoop had never heard him play one of his songs before but Matt seemed to know exactly what he was doing. It gave him a little thrill to think of Matt playing this at home, figuring out Anoop's song for himself. He didn't know that Matt was interested in that. Anoop recognized the melody line of Compromises easily as Matt played. Matt managed to add his own flair, slowing down the chorus a little so it sounded even prettier on the piano. Anoop was so focused on Matt that he wasn't even thinking about the lyrics but then Matt started singing softly.

"I can see through you like you're made of glass," Matt sang. The lyrics sounded different coming from his mouth, unfamiliar and new. "Everything you wanted was everything I have." Matt didn't sing the whole song, just a line here and there, always right on time and perfectly in tune. Anoop missed--suddenly and sharply--singing with Matt, working out harmonies for real on stage and then for fun in their room, just laying together on their bed, flipping through one of their iTunes playlists. He couldn't believe he forgot how often they used to do that.

Matt experimented with the song, changing up the little details, hands caressing the piano and it all seemed so effortless. Anoop didn't understand this part of Matt--the way he could handle a piano like it was just an extension of himself--but he had stopped trying. He knew now that there were certain things in life that you should just enjoy, no matter what. That you should just savor the fact that something had the ability to make you feel so happy.

That's how he felt about Matt.

"That's a sad song, Noop," Matt said after he finished the song but his fingers were still tinkering with the keys.

"How is it?" Anoop asked. He patted the side of the piano when Matt didn't answer for a moment. Matt sighed, a heavy, longing sigh.

"Oh, she's perfect," Matt said. "Sounds really good. Feels good... really smooth, see?" He grabbed Anoop's hand and pulled it over to the keys. Anoop touched them for a moment--they were smooth--but he pulled his hand away just as quickly.

"Yeah," Anoop said but he didn't really know and he felt stupid about that.

"If I had a piano," Matt said. "I'd want one like her. I even like the color! I love the white and gold. It's really pretty, Noop. It looks so good. And it's a Steinway. That's quality. She's got bulk and depth. I mean, I'll play a baby grand and it sounds good but I like to be behind something that has a little size." Matt spread his hands over the keys, moving them back and forth, touching them sort of like how he would touch Anoop sometimes. Anoop felt jealous again, not like with the waitress, but in a different way. Jealous of Matt's talent, his passion for something so simple yet complicated at the same time, jealous that the piano seemed to have a hold over Matt that Anoop could never replicate. He could only live with it. Still, Anoop didn't want to be forgotten, and no one was around, so he leaned his head on Matt's arm, just for a couple moments, which was as long as he dared. Matt let go of the piano only to place on hand on Anoop's thigh. Anoop liked that too.

"It's pretty," Anoop said.

"And expensive," Matt smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "But soon, right? I'll get something like this later! I don't need it right now. I have some pretty bad-ass keyboards. You haven't even seen the one I got last month."

Matt got up abruptly. He crossed the room and picked up an acoustic guitar that was propped up against the wall. Anoop didn't follow, not right away. Instead he examined the piano. It seemed a little more lifeless now that Matt was gone and the keys lay there, untouched. The top was raised so Anoop could look down into the complicated matrix of strings that worked to produce that amazing cacophony of notes that Matt could create off the top of his head. It seemed idiotic that Matt shouldn't have this piano. But he didn't know how to get it for him either.

Matt grinned with the guitar hooked around his neck, held awkwardly in his hands across his chest when Anoop walked over to join him.

"Any special requests?" he asked. Before Anoop could answer Matt picked out a few notes, fingers working clumsily but there was that big smile on his face, hiding something. Anoop was watching so closely that he didn't even notice the man standing over them until he cleared his throat.

"Anything I can help you with boys?" The man was older and he didn't look very charmed by Matt's amateur guitar skills.

"We're just looking," Matt said, flubbing another note. After that he carefully shrugged the guitar off.

"The beginner's guitar workbooks are over there," the man said, pointing solemnly.

"That's okay," Matt said. The man's annoyed face didn't change. "We were just messing around."

"Was someone else in the store?" the man said. "I heard someone playing the piano. They were excellent. Did you two see them?"

Matt glanced at Anoop quickly and this time the smile was completely genuine, that secret look they had shared countless times before so many different reasons.

"Nope," Matt said, barely able to keep the laughter out of his voice. "Must have been the wind."

They got back on the road soon after that and Anoop was already ready to talk but Matt had to stop again when the chili wasn't agreeing with Matt's stomach. Besides, the music store was still weighing on Anoop's mind. He didn't know why it bothered him so much that Matt didn't have a piano but it did. He didn't think he could fit an instrument like that into his small apartment but they could work something out. Anoop would make sure of it.

After Matt came back Anoop offered to drive the rest of the way and then he had to concentrate on following Matt's erratic directions. Before he knew it they were passing the city limits for Kalamazoo and Anoop felt that the window of opportunity for a heavy road trip discussion had officially closed.

Matt was sitting in the passenger seat with eyes closed as Anoop drove down a street that was half-familiar. It was a long road and he kept cautiously straight.

"Hey," Anoop said, poking Matt in the side. "Don't you live around here?" He'd only been to Matt's Kalamazoo apartment a couple of times but he didn't forget places easily.

"No," Matt said. "Keep going."

So they continued down the long road and then Matt told him to take a left. Anoop drove away from the downtown, hip area and he _knew_ that had to be wrong. He didn't remember the trees and quiet houses on the residential streets from the last time he visited Matt. There was a park and a large fake pond and a bunch of subdivisions with cutesy names like Kalamazoo Corners. Matt told him to turn right and Anoop thought they might be turning around because Matt obviously missed something but they were only approaching some even nicer houses on streets like Canary Cove. Anoop sighed because he didn't like feeling lost and he feared they might be lost right now but Matt wasn't saying anything. Anoop gave him a look at a light. Matt sat up straighter and stared back.

"What?"

"Where _are_ we?" Anoop asked. "You don't live around here."

"You'll see," Matt said and for a moment he looked a little nervous. When the light turned green Anoop stomped on the gas.

This side of Kalamazoo had to be the nice side. All of the lawns were lush and green. The streets were neatly paved and all mailboxes had a brick stand that matched every other one on the block. Matt told Anoop pull into a cul-de-sac, a dead end, and just when Anoop was about to pull the car over and tell Matt to drive Matt pointed at a house with a yellow door.

"There," he said. "You can pull in that driveway."

Anoop did, simply because he didn't have a choice. He turned the car off.  
.  
"What is this?" Anoop said. "Where are we?"

"Home," Matt said. "We're home. Anoop, that's my _house_!"

Anoop didn't say anything. He was surprised that he was still breathing because he felt like he couldn't.

"Yeah," Matt said into the silence. "I wanted to surprise you. I bought a house, Noop. This is it. What do you think? Can you believe it?"

All he could think about was punching Matt in the face.

"Anoop?"

"Wow," Anoop finally said, looking away and struggling with what to do with his hands. He folded them together, scratching himself with his short nails. He couldn't look at Matt. At that moment it was physically impossible.

"That's what I said," Matt said. "Wow. My own house. A couple of weeks ago. I've been dying to tell you. It's been so hard to keep it a secret!"

"Well, you shouldn't have," Anoop snapped. He got out of the car and slammed the door, closing his eyes for a moment. He wished he would have left immediately after the interviews like he was supposed to. But he had arranged for this break, for this three-day weekend to spend with Matt. Now he was stuck with it.

A house. A fucking house.

"Come on," Matt said, appearing in front of him suddenly. He reached for Anoop's hand. "Are you mad? I'm sorry I didn't tell you! But I thought it would be something nice to show. Don't be mad at me, Noop. Come see my house!"

His hand was still there, hanging in the air. After a moment, Anoop took it. Matt squeezed his hand gently and pulled him forward.

As they walked up the front walk Anoop tried to convince himself it couldn't possibly be real. Matt had to be joking in some way. It was entirely possible that he was confused about what owning a house actually was. The house had a nice wooden front porch that required three steps with a porch swing tucked over in the left corner that looked slightly rusty but still functional.

"It came with the house," Matt said, following Anoop's gaze. "I sat on it. Haven't broken it yet."

Anoop ran a hand across his face. The front door was bright, a yellow that reflected the broken sunlight flashing from in-between the clouds overhead. Anoop watched Matt fiddle with his key ring. There was a key that fit in the door but still, Matt could just be renting it or borrowing it or testing it out or _something_.

He wasn't supposed to stay here.

"What's up with that door?" Anoop said before he could stop himself.

"What?" Matt paused with the key in the door before pushing it open. "I like it."

The house was large, bigger than it had any right to be. They entered into a wide foyer with closets on both sides. There was furniture but it was sporadic, like a table with a couple of chairs in the kitchen but an empty dining room. Across from the dining room on the other side of the foyer was a nice-sized room with a built-in bookshelf in one wall, also empty. Anoop didn't think Matt would ever have enough books to fill that bookshelf.

He looked down at his feet. The floors were hardwood, dark and shiny enough for Anoop to almost see his face in it. For a moment he wondered if the wood was easily scuffed. Then he scrubbed his sneaker across it.

"Look at this," Matt said. Anoop followed him to the kitchen that had marble counter-tops and stainless steel appliances. There was an island in the middle and plenty of cabinet space. Anoop looked at the sink and the neat little window over it that faced the large grassy backyard.

Matt walked over to the fridge. "The freezer is on the bottom," Matt said, demonstrating by pulling out the bottom tray. "Isn't that neat? It's all adjustable. It's that same kind of fridge in that Kelly Ripa commercial."

"How can you afford this?" Anoop blurted out. He'd been jumping on every available correspondent opportunity since the show, trying to get into more endorsements, had an advance on his CD, spent most of the year promoting and selling _real_ music yet he still had to budget carefully to pay all his bills every month and still hadn't got a new car. Matt was doing the occasional show, recording here and there and now he had this gorgeous house that looked like it should belong to the married executive manager of some company with 2.5 kids and a dog.

"It was a foreclosure," Matt said. "Can you believe it? Someone tipped me off. It wasn't even on the market one day, I don't think. The other people had to leave quick. I got it at a steal, Noop. My mortgage is a little less than my rent! I have a mortgage. That's pretty cool, right? It's awesome!"

Anoop followed him wordlessly into the huge den area that came right off of the kitchen. There were sliding glass doors that led to the back deck, high off the ground and then the sprawling backyard. The ceilings were high and there were a couple of ceiling fans above them along with a real fireplace on the far wall of the room. Most interestingly, there was a back staircase that led up to an open loft area that overlooked the den and then a catwalk connected the loft to what Anoop assumed was the door to the master bedroom. He remembered seeing another staircase near the front foyer. The only houses he'd seen with two staircases were in dream houses in Hollywood.

There was still time, he told himself. Still time.

"I love this!" Matt said, standing in the middle of the den. He had a couch in there and a flat screen TV tucked into an entertainment center--Anoop recognized it all from Matt's old apartment--but no other furniture. Matt gestured up toward the ceiling. "It's so high. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this space. I'm still figuring it out."

"You live here now?" Anoop asked because he still couldn't quite believe it. Matt really didn't have much in there. There were a couple of boxes in the kitchen and a full-length mirror tucked into a hallway that probably lead to the garage but not much else. There had to be another explanation, something that Anoop was missing. This had to be a mistake.

"Well, right now I'm all over the place," Matt said. "I've got some of my stuff in storage, some of my stuff at my mom's house. I had to jump out of my lease and move out of the apartment quick. I stay here sometimes, I sleep on the couch. I don't even have a bed yet. But I'm hoping to buy one tomorrow! Then I can stay here all the time. We could go do that. Right?"

Anoop looked at Matt's grin and the hopeful look in his eyes. He was just standing there, like this conversation was normal, like this was supposed to be happening--a _house_ in _Kalamazoo_\--and all of a sudden Anoop couldn't breathe. He pressed his hand to his chest for a moment to prevent himself from doubling over.

"Matt," he said, working hard to control his voice. "Where's the bathroom?"

"There's four bedrooms," Matt said, proudly. "And two-and-a-half bathrooms. But only one has toilet paper. It's upstairs."

Anoop didn't want to go up there, to the mysterious second floor that was probably better than the first, to the master bedroom that needed a stupid bed. He shook his head.

"I don't need any toilet paper," Anoop said. Matt pointed him in the direction of the half bath that was tucked neatly off of the front foyer.

He felt trapped inside the small bathroom with just a toilet and a sink and flowered wallpaper that Matt would never choose or maybe Matt would because obviously Anoop didn't know him that well for him to do something like this and what had he been thinking, this whole time. What was he _thinking_?

Anoop sat down on top of the closed toilet lid and leaned over, hunching over his knees. He tried to take a deep breath but his body wasn't working right and all he could do was breathe in that short, shallow way that scared him. He closed his eyes, clutching the sides of his calves. The air was stale inside of the bathroom but all in all it really was a beautiful house.

He lifted his butt after a moment and pulled his wallet from his back pocket. He opened it and pulled out the ticket that he had carefully tucked away there next to the condom they hadn't used yet. He unfolded the ticket and looked over the yellow Ticketmaster background and read the seat assignment again. Row G, seat 14. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine it but he had no idea where that seat was, couldn't even see the Portland stadium anymore and now there was a lump in his throat and he kept his eyes closed tight until it passed, until he could swallow it down and the pressure in his eyes was a little less, just a little. He opened them successfully and turned the ticket over. Matt's signature so close to his even though Matt had signed it first so that meant Anoop made sure that their names were practically touching. He brushed his fingers over Matt's name, imagining he was touching Matt's lips, remembering touching them for the first time with his lips and the _relief_. That was the most surprising part of all. He'd just been so relieved. After the first kiss Anoop was ready to move on.

Move on to more kissing, to more touching.

Move on to laughing and talking like before with none of this tension between them now that they were free to really act on their feelings.

Move on to simply being together.

He always thought that was the next step. Being together.

Now he wasn't so sure.

Anoop looked up at his slightly parted lips, his blank expression in the mirror right across from him, above the cute little sink.

He didn't like for it to happen but Anoop had been wrong many times before.

And it was almost always about things like this.

He didn't want to go back out there but he had already been in the bathroom much longer than what was normal for someone who didn't need any toilet paper. So he washed his hands with water and no soap and no towel and opened the door where Matt was waiting with a paper towel. He held it out to Anoop who accepted it with dripping hands.

"Hey, you okay?" Matt asked, concerned etched all over his face. Anoop nodded, wordlessly. He thought about screaming at him but he didn't have the energy for that anymore.

"Well, you look kinda pale, Noop," Matt said. "Did the food get you too? We're never going to that place again. But I heard it was good! I'm sorry. I wish I had some Alka-Seltzer around here. I could use some, too."

Anoop shrugged because he couldn't think of anything else to do.

"Wanna lay down? We can watch TV. I just got the cable hooked up. Come on."

Matt had taken off his shoes and he was wearing his thick gray socks now. Anoop watched him slide across the hardwood floor to his TV, already so at ease with his new living space. Anoop flopped down on the couch because he couldn't think of anything else to do. It was leather but it still smelled like Matt, in a good way. He remembered one time they'd been on this couch and Matt gave him a pleasant hand job while they watched Paranormal Activity which Matt found just as scary the second time and Anoop thought it was stupid but the hand job was nice. He buried his face in the leather and for a moment he imagined that they were still there, in Matt's apartment, when living in Kalamazoo was only temporary, just like it was supposed to be. Then Matt sat beside him on the couch and tugged on Anoop's arm. Anoop lifted his head and settled it on Matt's thigh. He couldn't really see the TV well from that angle but he didn't want to watch it anyway.

"Got a new universal remote," Matt said, holding up the remote in his hand. "Controls my TV and the stereo system I have in there and my Blu-Ray."

Sure enough as soon as Matt pushed a button the stereo started blasting. It was the end of that Miley song Anoop secretly liked but he sighed anyway. The song was already fading out and before Anoop could fully process the next one Matt cried out, "Hey, that's you! It's Anoop on the radio!"

He didn't even recognize it for a moment but it was him. Somehow the latest had made it up to Kalamazoo. Anoop wanted to press a pillow over his face. Matt turned it up so the song was deafening.

"This is the end of our compromise," Matt sang along in his half-serious voice but he still sounded good though not as good as in the music store with just the piano. "No more thinking about you until sunrise."

In that moment Anoop hated that song, hated his record contract, hated living in LA, hated the fact that he agreed to go on Idol in the first place. But he couldn't move so he just listened to Matt sing the song inside of his strange new house until the song was over and the radio slipped into an endless chain of commercials.

* 

 

It turned out that Matt had arranged for them to stay with one of his friends who was having a pool party. Anoop had been surprised by how warm it was. In the late evening the temperature was still in the lower 80s and people were jumping in and out of the pool, including Matt, splashing around and laughing like a little kid. Anoop didn't bring swim trunks. Several people offered to run home and get him a pair but he declined, content just to sit around, join some lazy sports conversations and hold his red cup like he was drinking. It helped that he was spending some time away from Matt.

The problem was that Anoop was scared. Now that he sat there in the steady sunlight, surrounded by people but mostly alone, Anoop couldn't deny that. It was a conversation they should have had a long time ago. This was mostly his fault and now he didn't know what was going to happen next. Anoop thought back to AP Physics in 11th grade. It wasn't one of his favorite classes but he did well. He didn't remember that much about the class specifically now except for the first day when their teacher, and intimidating looking Asian woman with very long hair, stood in front of them, holding her dry erase marker like a weapon.

"Don't assume," she told them, after explaining the classroom rules. "Look at the word 'assume'. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me."

Anoop remember being slightly shocked back then that she would use such a word--ass--in the middle of the high school classroom.

Now he just felt like an ass.

He never should have assumed they were on the same page.

"Hey," a girl said, sitting on a chair beside him. Anoop was good with faces and names by now. He had met her before, a couple of months ago, at one of Matt's shows. Her name was Nora. He smiled the best he could.

"Hi," Anoop said.

"I love your song," Nora said, like a person, not like a fan, which Anoop appreciated. "Compromises. Did you write it yourself?"

Anoop shook his head. It was one of the few songs on the CD he really didn't have a hand in. At first he was skeptical about releasing it as the first single but even when you were working with a very receptive indie label it was standard procedure that the people holding the money usually got their way.

"You sing it with such authority," she said, thoughtfully. "So I was just wondering. All of the songs you wrote for your EP are excellent."

Anoop blinked, taking her words in. Anoop had just thought it was a just a song when he recorded it but now he was beginning to think it was a warning, a secret look into a life he didn't even know he was leading. He wanted to forget the words and re-learn them from scratch, with different eyes.

He wanted that song to belong to anyone but him.

"Thank you," Anoop said softly.

"Matt loves it when you visit," she said. "It's all he can talk about. I know he couldn't wait to show you his new house. It's incredible, isn't it? I really don't know how he lucked out with that one. But Matt's a lucky guy."

Anoop nodded, biting down on the edge of his red plastic cup. "Incredible," he echoed into the plastic.

"I always thought Matt wanted to go," Nora said. "That he was over this small town but I don't know. I guess it really seems to suit him. But it must be so exciting living in LA, right? I'm jealous, I really am. Maybe I'll make my way out west someday. But it's scary! I guess that's what's holding me back."

"It is scary," Anoop said. "It's really scary."

"So how did you get over that?" Nora asked. He looked over at her. She had really pretty blue eyes but he mostly noticed Matt over her shoulder. They were having a belly-flop contest in the pool and Matt was grandstanding on the low diving board, preparing to jump in. He waited for a moment for Matt to catch his eyes but then Matt was airborne, headed straight for a flat smack on top of the water. Anoop looked away before he made contact but he heard Matt's loud smack as he entered the water and everyone was groaning and laughing.

"The promise that things will get better," Anoop said before he really thought about it. "I guess it's a promise you make to yourself."

They actually had twin beds in the same room which was unexpected. Anoop hadn't experienced an arrangement like that since middle school. Matt was drunk, but he was just an easy-going sleepy drunk now that it was late and the room was dark except for a small lamp on the nightstand between the two beds. Anoop watched him struggle to pull off his t-shirt and then his swim shorts so he was standing there naked.

"What are you going to sleep in?" Anoop asked.

"This," Matt said, flopping face first on top of the covers of his bed so the whole thing rattled. Anoop was pretty sure Matt's friend wouldn't appreciate Matt laying naked all over the sheets but he wasn't about to say anything.

The stars outside were almost blinding when Anoop turned his face towards the moonlight. Anoop couldn't remember the last time he'd seen them so bright. He stared out the window for a little while, trying not to think about anything at all. Finally he got up to close the blinds. On his way back to his bed Matt grabbed his wrist.

"How come you didn't talk to me all day?" He asked.

"You weren't talking to me," Anoop said. He tried to pull his wrist away but only half-heartedly. It had been a long day but despite everything Anoop had missed being close to him.

"Yes I was," Matt said. "You didn't want to play in the pool. I told you to come over there."

"Come on, Matt," Anoop said. The twin beds were close enough together that he could probably kick Matt from his bed, if he were laying in it. But he just stood beside Matt's bed anyway because he didn't really want Matt to let him go.

"Talk to me now," Matt said.

"Aren't you asleep?" Anoop sat down carefully on the edge of the bed.

"I don't think so," Matt said. "I'm talking to you."

Anoop extracted Matt's hand from his wrist and held it carefully in both of his hands. He used his thumbs to massage the center of Matt's palm. He didn't know why but he remembered somebody doing that to him one time and he liked it. He often wondered what it would be like to have Matt's hands.

"I miss you, Noop," Matt said. Anoop almost snorted. He pressed his thumbs against Matt's palm a little harder, flexing Matt's hand back against his wrist as far as it seemed to go.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," Anoop said, wondering if sitting here on a twin bed when Matt was drunk was as close as they would get to this conversation.

"You can talk to me about anything," Matt said. "Like that rash I told you back. Remember that, Anoop? I told you."

Anoop almost cracked a smile, thinking about Matt's worrisome case of Contact Dermatitis a couple of months ago. "Yeah, it's something like that." He pressed his nose against Matt's palm now and took a deep breath. They didn't talk for several minutes and Matt was so still that Anoop assumed he had fallen asleep. So he gently put Matt's hand down and went to get up when Matt suddenly grabbed his wrist again.

"I just thought--" Matt said, voice thick with something Anoop couldn't name. Maybe it was just the alcohol but Anoop thought it might be something more. "I thought it's time for me to grow up. That's what I was thinking, Anoop."

This time, Anoop did pull his wrist away and then he slipped under the covers of his bed. He turned the lamp off and laid down. The bed was too low and flat and small to really be comfortable. His legs were practically dangling off the edge and he had to sort of curl up in a ball to get comfortable and there wasn't enough room for that either. Matt only snored when he was drunk so Anoop had to listen to that on top of everything else. He sighed with his eyes closed and tried for a long time but he just couldn't get to sleep. His legs were too cramped up and they were beginning to ache. Finally, he eased out of the bed and stretched, needing to get his blood going, just for a moment. He returned to the window and pulled the shade up, just halfway, even though Matt was totally gone and the light probably wouldn't bother him at all.

The stars were still there, twinkling like they were waiting for him to peek out again. Anoop tried to find a constellation but everything was just a jumble above him so he focused on the moon, full and bright. It glowed, full of white light and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, just the blue-black night waiting to swallow him whole if he so desired. Anoop couldn't hear anything other than Matt's snoring, no sirens, no fights, no loud music, no gently tapped car horns. They were just surrounded by the sky and the grass and the night and the town waiting for the next day. Anoop pressed his hand against the cool window then quickly pulled his hand away, thinking about fingerprints. But after a moment he returned his hand to the same spot where his hand print was still fading and it was almost like he could feel the pulse of the earth--slow and steady--through the double-pane glass. This was a place where people would know you, where you could count on things to stay pretty much the same, where people would be proud of you no matter what, where you could build your life through a slow burn, blowing gently on the flame. Anoop could feel it right there in the glass, in the house, from Matt's noisy breathing. He didn't know why he didn't realize it before.

He glanced up when he caught a flash of light out of the corner of his eye, something streaking across the sky and he looked up in time for his suspicions to be confirmed but just as quickly as he'd seen it, it was gone.

A shooting star.

Anoop's mind was racing but he didn't have a wish. He just had a stirring in his heart, a new understanding that had started there, like the shooting star had landed somewhere inside and sparked something within him.

These were the reasons that someone would stay.

* 

Anoop was slightly worried about the next morning but he opened his eyes when he felt Matt standing over him. He was still naked but now Matt smelled soapy and sweet, obviously fresh from his shower with his hair still wet. Anoop barely had time to react before Matt leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips. Anoop kissed him back, rubbing the back of Matt's neck lightly.

"Good morning," Matt said, softly. Anoop kissed him again and then Matt laid on top of him, warm and still slightly damp. Anoop put his arms around him anyway, running his fingers up and down the small of Matt's back and along the curve of his ass. He knew they probably shouldn't be doing this in Matt's friends house but Matt's lips felt so good on his neck and his weight was so cozy that he didn't make Matt get up. Not for a little while.

"I miss you," Matt said, voice muffled against Anoop's collarbone.

"You keep saying that," Anoop said.

"It's true."

Anoop swallowed hard. It didn't have to be true. He patted Matt's ass until Matt got off of him.

"Where can I take a shower?" Anoop asked. He got up when Matt pointed out the way.

He had some time to think in the shower where he used a pink washcloth and some flower scented body soap because he couldn't find anything else. Maybe it was best if he didn't say anything after all. Anoop knew how to own up to his mistakes. He was the first one to admit it when he did something wrong. He and Matt had never discussed the future.

Maybe something like this was just a long time coming.

They joined Matt's married friends downstairs and it was cute watching them together, touching and smiling at each other. Anoop wondered what it was like to be married, sometimes. Matt smiled at him from across the table but Anoop couldn't bring himself to smile back in quite the same way.

He just wanted to get out of there.

It was already hot by the time they left, not at all like Anoop pictured September in Michigan. Anoop carried his suitcase and he felt like a nomad with no real home, just traveling from place to place, always finding somewhere to stay but also always a stranger. He dumped his suitcase in the back seat and joined Matt up in the front of the car.

"I need a bed," Matt said.

Anoop turned up the air-conditioner and looked at him.

"I want to go to the furniture mall," Matt said. "It's in Grand Rapids but it's not too far. Let's go, Noop."

"You're driving," Anoop said. Matt grabbed Anoop's knee, rubbed him there for a moment.

"What?" Anoop said when Matt didn't stop staring.

"You kept saying you want to talk about something," Matt said. Anoop shook his head.

"It's nothing," he said. He looked out the window at the quiet street with all the maple trees and the ordinary houses.

"I'm not stupid, Noop," Matt mumbled after a moment.

"You didn't--" Anoop started but he stopped himself just as quickly. "I'm just shocked. About the house."

"Why?" Matt asked. "This is where I live."

Anoop laughed, not at all amused and when he looked over at Matt his lips were pressed together in an unhappy line.

"Don't laugh at me, Noop."

"I'm not."

"You're not the only one who gets to do stuff," Matt said. "I'm doing things, too. I always support you."

Anoop didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain how this was everything he never wanted. Matt didn't say anything either. He started the car after a few minutes.

"It's only an hour away," Matt said and they were on the road again. Anoop rested his head on the hot, sun-soaked glass of the passenger window. Sometimes it felt like the traveling was the only thing keeping them together.

But he knew that wasn't true.

* 

Matt seemed more cheerful once they finally got there. The furniture mall was really a strip mall comprised of furniture related stores. Anoop followed Matt into Morrison Furniture, a huge warehouse full of discount furniture that was jumbled all over the place. Anoop waited for someone to come over to them but the salespeople seemed content standing around near the back of the store. The air-conditioning was on full blast and Anoop couldn't help shivering as he crossed his bare arms over his chest. Matt looked around with wide eyes.

"Always wanted to come to this place," Matt said. Anoop didn't understand how coming to a place like this could be part of anyone's furniture aspirations but then again he didn't understand a lot of things about Matt.

"It's cluttered," Anoop said.

"It's a _furniture_ store," Matt said, like that was explanation for anything. Anoop rubbed his arms and caught Matt staring at him.

"You cold?" Before Anoop could answer Matt had taken off his light jacket and offered it to Anoop.

"I don't need this," Anoop said.

"You're cold." Matt shoved the jacket in his arms. Anoop watched him wander away towards the bedroom furniture in the back of the store. Anoop shrugged his way into the jacket after a moment. It did feel a lot better.

Morrison Furniture had a nice selection of beds. Anoop was most attracted to the dark wooden beds that looked study, capable of handling all of their weight. Matt collapsed onto a black sleigh bed in the corner.

"What do you think?" Matt said.

"Too gaudy," Anoop said. Matt got up after a moment and moved over to the next one.

"A queen size is good, right?" Matt sat down on the next bed. It was made of light wood and low to the ground. Anoop shook his head.

"Queen is a good size," Anoop said. "But I don't like that."

"I want you to like the bed," Matt said.

"It's your bed," Anoop said. He stood there, watching Matt test everything out. There were so many details like the mattress and the bedroom furniture and how Matt was going to paint the bedroom. Anoop wondered if he had thought about any of that.

"Noop!" Matt called a little too loudly but no one was paying attention. He saw Matt lying on a bed near the corner. It was just the right size, deep brown wood with a reddish tinge, high off the ground with elegant carvings on the headboard. Matt was laying comfortably on his side and as usual Anoop felt enchanted by the smile Matt had on his face.

"I'll get this mattress too," Matt said and Anoop knew it was because they had already silently agreed on this with their eyes. "Come and lay down, Noop. It's so nice."

Anoop felt silly but just for a moment. He almost had to climb on the bed because it was high and it was on a display stand. He laid near Matt, not close enough to be touching but close enough so that anyone who saw them would know that this was on purpose. He knew their conversation from the car wasn't over yet but he was willing to put it aside, just like Matt was doing.

"What do you think?" Matt asked.

Anoop reached out and touched Matt's bare arm. He didn't have goosebumps there but the hair on his arms was slightly raised.

"Yes," Anoop said.

He didn't blink when Matt slowly pulled off his glasses. Everything was hazy and unfocused without them but he could feel Matt scooting closer to him and then Matt's thumb stroked the underside of Anoop's chin and Anoop raised his head slightly.

"You look good in my jacket," Matt said. "And I look good in your glasses."

"I don't think so," Anoop said.

"You don't know. You can't see."

"Neither can you," Anoop said. "If you have my glasses on."

"No, I see!" Matt said. "I just see the world differently."

"I see the world differently, too," Anoop said.

"What do you see?" Matt asked.

Anoop paused, blinking a few times but nothing was clearing up. "I don't see you," Anoop said, before he could think about it. It was ridiculous because Matt still had his hand on Anoop's face--ran his fingers against his cheek, now-- but he really couldn't see him.

"I'm gonna get it," Matt said when they hadn't said anything for several moments. "I'm going to get this bed." Anoop closed his eyes when Matt put his glasses back on his face. Matt slipped them on slowly but it still felt sharp and intrusive. Anoop adjusted his glasses after he sat up. Now he could see Matt, talking to a salesperson, pointing back at the bed. Still, Anoop squinted like he used to do as a kid when he couldn't see the blackboard. He wondered if it had already happened, if Matt had already changed, if they both had. He even took his glasses off to be sure. But when he put them on again Matt still looked exactly the same.

* 

 

"Oh," Matt said as soon as he turned the car on and the radio blasted to life. "That's you, Noop. Getting some serious airtime!"

Anoop frowned at the radio. He didn't really want to hear himself singing at the moment.

"Turn it, Matt," Anoop said.

"Don't wanna to lie to you, baby, baby, baby, baby," Matt said, half-singing, half-chanting the words. Anoop pushed the first button on the radio he could find and then everything fell silent. Matt backed out of the parking lot and got on the road. They didn't say anything for a few minutes and Anoop's heart pounded painfully in his chest.

"They won't be able to deliver the bed until tomorrow," Matt said. "We can crash at someone's place tonight... hey, maybe my mom's."

If Anoop was honest with himself, if he put some of the bad feelings aside, he could see a few things about Michigan that reminded him of the things he loved about Chapel Hill. Sometimes he just wanted to take a breath in a place that felt like the middle of nowhere. He wanted to drive down a straight two-lane highway with no traffic. He wanted the leaves to change in the fall, like the touches of red and yellow outside despite of the Indian summer. You didn't get that in LA. There was nowhere like this place in LA.

He couldn't blame Matt for wanting to stay here and that was the most frustrating part of all.

For once the silence between them was uncomfortable. Matt was restless beside him, tapping his left feet and moving his hands all around the steering wheel, never staying in the same driving position for very long. He could have said something or simply touched Matt--maybe a hand on his knee or patted his arm--but Anoop didn't do anything and the miles stretched on in front of them.

"I'm sorry, Noop!" Matt said suddenly. Anoop looked at him, trying to keep his face blank but he was already too hopeful.

"I know I should have gotten everything together by the time you came," Matt said. "But the bank was so hard to deal with. I really didn't have the time. I just closed on the house and I had all those shows and the lease was up on my apartment. There was a lot of things going down at once. I know I should have gotten the furniture or maybe I should have gotten a hotel or something. But I was just looking forward to you coming. I didn't want you not to come."

Anoop looked at Matt's somber eyes, his soft, apologetic mouth and shook his head.

"I know you're mad at me," Matt said. "And I shouldn't have kept it a secret. But I thought it would be a nice surprise..."

Matt trailed off and Anoop wasn't sure what to say. He was mad, he was _angry_, but mostly at himself or the universe or whoever had allowed this to happen. It definitely wasn't about the goddamn bed.

"Plus, I wanted to pick out a bed with you," Matt said. "I wanted something that would be good for you too."

"It's not about that," Anoop said quietly because even if he was enough of a jerk not to tell him the truth Matt deserved to know at least that much.

"We never have enough time together," Matt said. Anoop thought maybe he sounded as guilty as Anoop felt. Anoop did touch him then, rubbed the inside of Matt's right thigh and then rested his head on Matt's shoulder. Being mad wasn't going to change anything. Neither was being sad.

But that didn't stop Anoop from feeling that way.

* 

"I think I'm going to go for a run," Anoop said when they got back. The sun was still high in the sky but it had been two days and his legs were aching for it.

"There's a park around here," Matt said. "It's just down the street. I heard it has a three mile trail."

Anoop nodded. Matt put his arms around him and Anoop hugged him back, even tighter. He ran his fingers through the back of Matt's curly hair when Matt buried his face in Anoop's shoulder. It was strange that they had been together for over two days now and besides the first night it felt like they had hardly touched at all. Not like this, not just holding each other. Anoop closed his eyes for a little while, standing there and leaning into Matt's weight while Matt leaned against him. For a moment it was just like last summer where they could be anywhere and nowhere all at once but it didn't matter as long as they were together. Anoop kissed Matt's hair lightly and then they let each other go.

"Don't get lost or anything," Matt said. "I barely know my way around this neighborhood."

"Phone has a GPS," Anoop said. It didn't take him long to change and then he was out the door.

He saw the park Matt was talking about but he didn't go that way. Anoop had missed running in the fresh air with no clear destination. Lately he was reduced to doing 30 minutes on a treadmill which was good for the incline but it wasn't good for being out in the fresh air seeing things that he'd never seen before.

It was hot enough that Anoop started sweating almost immediately but the gentle wind at a pleasant cooling effect on his face and forearms. He jogged at an easy pace because he wanted to get some distance behind him and also so he could look around. Kids were outside because it was Saturday and some of them waved. Anoop always waved back, an awkward hand in the air. He smiled if he remembered. There were adults too, standing on the porch or mowing the grass. Cars passed quickly, leaving him plenty of room. It was a nice place to raise a family, to tie up a dog in the back yard.

Honestly, Anoop could see Matt there. He just didn't think it would come so soon.

There were sidewalks but Anoop stuck to the smoothly paved road, a nice black asphalt that he definitely didn't see down in Detroit. Anoop wondered what Matt's subdivision was called. He guessed cheesy names like Clearwater Crossing or Maple Forest Pine. He didn't see any water and there weren't any pine trees but the Maple trees lined the street as if they were watching him, waiting for something that even they couldn't name.

Anoop wished he had something else to think about other than trees but he just didn't want to face the other thoughts racing his mind, almost faster than his feet could carry him but not quite.  
\  
He took a sharp right onto a road that was suddenly dusty and slowed down when he felt a cramp in his side. He couldn't remember the last time he got a cramp. It probably didn't help that he didn't stretch before the run or drink any water that day. Anoop tried to press through it but the pain in his side just got worse and his muscles kept tightening up. Finally he stopped and clutched his side, fighting the urge to double over. Instead he placed his hands on the top of his head and took a few deep breaths. That eased the acute pain but there was still a lingering ache in his side. Anoop decided that he would just walk and he continued down the road slowly.

The houses were farther apart on the road until Anoop was passing nothing but grass. He found it strange that he could travel out of the residential subdivision so quickly into this isolated country road. His phone was still secure in his pocket but he didn't pull it out yet. It was kind of nice to have an actual tangible reason that he felt so lost.

Anoop wiped his forehead, hand coming away damp with sweat. He didn't realize he'd been sweating that much. It reminded him of the first time he and Matt had sex. It'd been really hot that day and they turned the air conditioning up so high that Matt rolled around on the bed and rubbed at the goosebumps on his arms. Anoop told him to stop being ridiculous and put on a sweatshirt but Matt whined that he didn't like to wear long sleeves in the summer and then Anoop was leaning over him, rubbing Matt's arms to warm him up and they started kissing like they had recently started to do and then clothes were coming off and everything was happening so quickly, just like it always was between them. He mostly remembered afterward, sweating, pouring sweat from his forehead so that it rolled down the side of his face and one time Matt licked him there and then they laughed together, clutching each other desperately.

He had his wallet and he found the ticket there. It was just creased in the middle now but otherwise unchanged. His signature was still there. Matt's signature beside it. He still felt Matt's breath on his face, looking at it, that tingling sensation down the middle of his spine. It had to mean something that this memory was still so vivid, that it meant so much. He could barely remember his first kiss with anyone like that, not in so much detail. Anoop didn't know what it meant so he just put the ticket back in his wallet, beside the condom, and continued walking.

Anoop wiped the sweat out of his eyes, fiddling with his glasses. Now he really regretted now bringing any contacts. He blinked, unable to see well and his eyes were stinging as he stumbled down the road. When he was finally able to open them again, push his glasses back down, and focus he saw an old man standing in the middle of the street. He didn't know where he had come from but he nearly ran into him.

"Sorry," Anoop said, still a bit shocked about how close he was to this man all of a sudden.

"No, it's my fault," the man said. He walked a little to the left. Anoop's cramp came back suddenly and Anoop had to stop walking.

"I'm wandering around trying to find a signal," the man continued. "I can't get this dang phone to work."

Anoop wasn't sure if he was supposed to respond or not but then the old man looked him in the face. He wasn't terribly old, like not old enough that Anoop worried about his immediate safety, but he was definitely old, a fit-looking 70 or something like that. Anoop couldn't help noticing his eyes. They were green and reminded him of Matt despite his gray hair and thin frame.

"I can take a look," Anoop said because he was good with phones and he didn't have anything else to do. Not really. Nothing he wanted to do.

"My son got it for me," the man said. "He said something like it's got the greatest coverage in the world, Dad. It's the best phone money can buy. I don't see how it's the best phone. I just want a phone that works. I can't even press those small buttons. Why do they make everything so small?"

Anoop cracked a smile, which was unexpected. He held his hand out. "May I?" he asked politely, and the man handed him the phone. It was a black blackberry, small and trim with a full keyboard. Anoop pressed the talk button but the blank screen didn't change. He held both the call and end button for a few seconds. Nothing happened.

"Did you charge the battery?" Anoop asked, looking up at the man. "I think it's not charged. That's why it's not working."

"Well, I only got it last week and my son gave me a little computer he called a Netbook and that dang thing and they all have plugs--" the man threw his hands in the air. "These gadgets are only good for your generation. I don't know what I was thinking. My son always things he has these great ideas! Well, that means we have to plug it in, right? Come on in here and show me which one is that. I don't know which thingamajigger I should stick in there. You look like a nice young guy who knows these things. What's your name?"

"Anoop." He shook the man's hand firmly, hiding a smile.

"Anoop. Never heard of that one. That means I won't forget it which is a miracle because I've been forgetting everything else. Name's Charlie. All the little kids around here call me Mr. Charlie but you seem older than that. Charlie is just fine. Come on in. It's a bit of a mess but everyone left me today. My son says he has to go to the office. I said, it's Saturday. I don't understand him, just says, call me on the phone. I can't get the phone to work!"

Anoop chuckled as he followed Charlie inside. He didn't understand why Charlie said the place was messy. In fact, it was almost completely empty except for a couple of moving boxes stacked here and there. Anoop felt a pang in his chest, thinking about Matt's place. He had almost forgotten.

"I'm going to try to find these cords," Charlie said. Anoop followed him to the kitchen were there were bar stools propped up against the breakfast nook. "Have a seat, Anoop. See, I told you I was going to remember that name. Would you like anything to drink, Anoop? My son bought me some sparkling water. Why does water need to sparkle? He said, use it to cleanse your palate. What does that even mean? If I want to cleanse my palate I'll use Listerine. The stuff with the alcohol is the only stuff worth having. If you can't handle the burn, don't even bother with the mouthwash. I've been drinking good old tap water. My son won't touch it but I've been drinking it for 76 years and it hasn't killed me yet so I don't see what the big deal is. Put some ice in it and you're good to go. I also have a couple of cokes."

"Tap water is fine," Anoop said. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had tap water himself but from the way Charlie was talking it didn't seem that bad. He could definitely use some cool water even though his side wasn't aching as much now.

"That's what I'm talking about," Charlie said. "People can't be scared of everything. Otherwise, you miss out on life! Tap water is not going to kill you. Let me get that for you, Anoop. Like I said, sorry about the mess. I'm moving out. Well, trying if I can ever get that dang phone to work. Trying to get out by tomorrow. This place is still a disaster. Let me tell you, moving never goes smoothly. I told my son to take off the day. He says he needs to go to work. It's Saturday afternoon!"

Anoop accepted the glass of water and took a quick sip. It was smooth and clear, none of that grittiness he usually associated with tap water.

"Looks clean to me," Anoop offered. Charlie stared at him for a moment then shook his head.

"So much to be done," Charlie said. "Sit tight, Anoop. I like that name, by the way. Good strong name. Anoop. What were you doing running in the middle of the day? You look like a strong, healthy guy but you still shouldn't be running in the middle of the day. I saw you down the road. Not too many people coming running down this road. You have to be careful, Anoop. You're not from here. I hear an accent on you. A southern accent. You from the south, Anoop?"

Anoop nodded, wondering how Charlie noticed. He didn't think his accent was pronounced enough that someone would pick it up just from a few sentences. "North Carolina," he said.

"You see, the Michigan sun is not like North Carolina," Charlie said. "It drills into you before you even know it. You have to be careful out there, running in the middle of the day. I'm glad you stopped and drank that water. It's good water, right? Free. Well, you still pay the city but it's not like 3 bucks a bottle like that sparkling water mess. I don't even know why he tries to give that to me. Okay, Anoop, I'm going to get those cords and then you'll show me the one to stick inside. Sit tight."

Anoop felt like a child trying not to giggle at Charlie's choice of words. He thought about texting Matt about it really quick but then he realized what was going on once again and he sobered up, taking a long drink of his water. The house was nothing like Matt's but it reminded him of it anyway. It was smaller, with carpet and no fancy appliances. Anoop thought it looked clean, smelled nice, felt warm and lived in. The backyard was huge, almost like a miniature farm and there was even a barn that Anoop could see.

Charlie came back with a tangle of chargers but it didn't take Anoop long to pick out the one for the Blackberry. He showed Charlie how to stick the USB cord into the slot on the side and then plugged it into the wall. Almost immediately the Blackberry flashed and came to life. Charlie threw his hands in the air.

"It's a miracle!" he said. "I thought I was living in a dead zone. You, Anoop, are a very smart young man. I can tell. You are a very very smart young man. What do you do, Anoop? Are you in college?"

"Well, actually," Anoop said. "I graduated. I'm a singer now." It always felt funny, introducing himself that way like he wasn't quite serious about his life when music was the most serious thing he had ever done. But most people didn't think being a singer was a real job or at least that's what Anoop thought they thought. So he really didn't like this topic because this wasn't an occupation that could be defined by just one single word. It didn't come up often, not in LA where people understood these things or in other situations where he was introduced to someone as whatever he was at the moment (performer, songwriter, party guest, photoshoot model) but occasionally the question was posed like this so Anoop had decided to stick with singer.

"A singer? You don't look like a singer. But I guess that would work for you. Everyone loves to be topsy-turvy these days. What kind of singing? You need an instrument, right? I've got a piano. Do you sing with that?"

"I do," Anoop said. "But I don't play."

Charlie didn't seem to hear. He was already waving Anoop up from his chair. "Come here, I'll show you the piano that I have and you tell me if it's fit for a singer like you."

The piano was in a small palor room set off from the main living area. The walls were mostly windows so the whole room was bathed in light and the piano was right there in the corner, filling the whole space, but in the most unobtrusive way.

The piano was large, bigger than a baby grand, smaller than a concert piano but Anoop wasn't sure what to call it. It was a light brown color with a hint of red that seemed comfortable and Anoop could tell that this piano had been in the house for a long time. The keys were still shiny though and when Charlie pressed Middle C it seemed to work, as far as Anoop could tell. It was much different from the white piano Matt had been playing around on earlier but it was still charming and in a way it seemed more accessible, more down-to-earth.

"What do you think?" Charlie asked. He touched the top of the piano lovingly just like Anoop knew Matt would.

"It's pretty," Anoop said. "My voice is my only instrument, unfortunately."

"Yeah, I don't play either," Charlie said. "Never had the patience for it. Or the ear. But I love having this piano around. My son took lessons on it for 10 years yet he never got any better. No, really, it belonged to my wife. She was the one that liked to play early in the morning. We called it wake-up music. My son hated it but it was good, he's just a brat in the morning." Charlie smiled and Anoop looked away for a moment, wanting to give Charlie some privacy with his memories.

"She passed away a few months ago," Charlie said quietly. "It seemed silly to stay in this big old house anymore. I have a condo near my son. It's actually a retirement community but I'm not going to call it that. There's no room for a piano so I'm selling it to some fancy piano dealer but he said the movers were going to come at four and they aren't here yet! I was trying to call them but then that dang phone stopped working. Everyone is so unprofessional these days and nobody cares. Are you a punctual person, Anoop?"

"Yes," Anoop said. "I make it a point to be."

"I knew. I could tell that about you. So what do you think of the piano? Something you'd ever want to play?"

Anoop touched the side of the piano, trying to feel that connection he had searched for countless times before but never found.

"I don't think I have the talent for it," Anoop said. "But my friend--" It always felt strange to call Matt that even though Anoop didn't know what else to call him. "--My friend is an incredible pianist. I can imagine him playing this. He'd really love it. He just got a house here." Suddenly Anoop had to swallow past a small lump in his throat. He frowned because it was easier. "I think he's going to get a piano one day."

"Hard to come by," Charlie said. "A good piano. We did a lot of searching. Had this piano 20 years, you wouldn't know it. Quality that you'd never know anymore. Real cherry wood all the way, real ivory keys. It was an accident that we even came across it. They were tearing down this school down the road from where we used to live and there it was about to go in the gutter. I restored it myself, best thing I ever did for her, I'd say. My wife. If you can't play, then you just have to do everything you can do to make sure that they can. Your loved ones. If they play something like this you just gotta help them along. I fixed that piano, I polished it, I maintained it. It's a very fine piano. My son says I can get 50,000 dollars for it but I think he's crazy. I just want the movers to take it but I don't know where they are. Speaking on that, Anoop, please excuse me, I'm going to see if I can get these yokels on the phone. An hour late, unprofessional, it's like they are paying me! Can you believe that?"

Charlie wandered back to the kitchen and Anoop could have followed but he stayed at the piano. After a moment he sat on the wooden bench that seemed worn but felt smooth and warm beneath him. A year of writing and recording had taught him a few things about the piano and David showed him how to play Heart and Soul after too many late nights in the studio. Anoop touched the first note of the melody and he could tell that the piano was perfect. Charlie's words echoed in his head again but this time they didn't make him laugh. _ If you can't play, then you just have to do everything you can do to make sure that they can._ Anoop ached to give Matt something like this. He wondered why he always wanted something he couldn't have.

"Anoop!" Charlie said, coming back in the room again. Anoop jumped up, suddenly feeling guilty about the way he'd been petting the piano. He didn't even realize he was doing it until he stopped. "You are a lifesaver. I finally got them on the dang phone and they said they had a mix-up and they are on their way. Excuses, excuses, what does a mix-up even mean? Well, Anoop, thank you for your help. I didn't mean to keep you hostage! You've been a really good sport and I appreciate a singer like yourself helping an old guy out."

"It's no problem," Anoop said. "I'm happy to help." For some reason he really was. He moved away from the piano, then looked back at it.

"You did a really good job with that," Anoop said, feeling a bit shy but at the same time he had to say it.

"I know," Charlie said. "That's all you can do with your life. Do a really good job with whatever you're committed to do. Come on, let me give you a ride back. I know you ran a long way and it's still hot out there. You gotta run a long way to make it out here. I may be an old man but I'm still a decent driver. Just tell me where to go. I'm going to take you home, Anoop. I will never forget that name."

Anoop smiled and followed Charlie out. He was a bit surprised at how easily he remembered where Matt's place was. Charlie parked out front.

"Lovely place," he said. "This yours?"

"It's my friend Matt's house," Anoop said. "He just bought it."

"A guy that can buy a house like this knows what he's doing. He's got something going for himself. Your friend Matt that plays the piano?"

Anoop nodded. "Yes." He turned to Charlie in the car. "This is it. Thanks, Charlie. It was a pleasure meeting you."

"Likewise Anoop. Even more so. Keep singing. You don't look like you should do it so that's why I think you must be good. Stay out of the hot sun."

"Bye Charlie," Anoop said. He walked back into the house with a smile on his face until he realized where he was. Then he just felt weary all over again because he knew that somewhere in the middle of that run he had admitted to himself what he needed to do.

Matt was sitting on the lonely couch, typing on his iPhone. He watched Matt for a moment, eyes focused, thumbs moving across the screen. He wanted to memorize Matt, every part of him in every situation but he knew that was impossible.

"Hey," Anoop said, and Matt looked up startled.

"Oh hey, Noop. Look, there's a party we can go to and then we can probably crash with someone, I don't know the details--"

Anoop crossed the room quickly and pressed his finger to Matt's lips and after that he kissed Matt softly. It had been too long. He wasn't sweating anymore and he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"I don't want to go out," Anoop said. "I just want to stay here."

"But we don't have anywhere to sleep," Matt said. Anoop kissed him again, leaning over him, bracing himself against the back of the couch.

"We can sleep on the floor."

"I thought you were mad at me," Matt said in a small voice. Anoop opened his mouth to speak but instead he just kissed Matt again, harder, coaxing Matt's mouth open with his tongue until they were making out deeply and Anoop was on top of Matt, straddling his lap until Matt pulled him back on the couch with him and Anoop was half laying on top of him and it was awkward but Anoop _wanted_ it that way because he wanted to remember how it really was between them. He pulled away briefly when it was really uncomfortable and he felt like he couldn't breath. Matt was panting beneath him, half falling off the couch.

"Let's just stay in," Anoop said. He was breathing hard too but not as nearly as hard as he wanted to. He leaned over again, meaning to kiss Matt but he found himself sucking at Matt's lower lip, nipping it gently. There were so many other things he wanted to do to him.

"Okay," Matt said, quietly. Anoop kissed his cheek and then rested his hand there, staring down into Matt's green eyes. If he couldn't memorize everything he would focus on that. Then he grabbed Matt's hand with his other hand and placed it against the side of his face, holding it there, fingers warm and capable of so much. Anoop wanted to memorize that too.

"Let's order pizza," Anoop said.

"Noop wants pizza?" Matt widened his eyes and Anoop could see that his irises were slightly darker around the edges or maybe it was just what he wanted to believe. "That's a first."

"Yeah, I want pizza."

"Well, if you want pizza you get pizza. And I know the perfect place."

Anoop got off Matt slowly and Matt didn't seem to mind. He didn't even look at the menu. He just let Matt order whatever he wanted.

* 

The pizza came just when it started raining and the delivery guy looked annoyed, his hat dripping as Anoop took the pizza. Anoop opened the box and placed two slices on the plates that the pizza place provided for them. It was sort of a Supreme pizza type of concoction with a bunch of different meats, mushrooms and green peppers. Matt claimed that the crust was the best part with cheese baked right in, like a stuffed crust pizza but more subtle. Anoop took a bite of the crust first and watched Matt watching him chew.

"Good, right?"

Anoop swallowed and he honestly had to agree. He had never found a pizza crust so exciting before.

"It's good." Anoop said.

"You can only get that here," Matt said. "Only in K-Zoo."

Anoop moved forward and kissed Matt, thinking of something else he could only get in Kalamazoo.

They sat together on the couch and Matt offered to look through his movie collection but they didn't get that far. Anoop pulled Matt over to his lips and they kissed for a little while until Matt managed to turn on the radio. The DJ announced it was the Quiet Storm using his low, rumbling voice. Anoop looked at Matt and they started laughing at the same time. Anoop could hear the rain on the roof above them. It was really coming down.

"Quiet storm," Matt said. "What if I want to be loud?"

"Go for it," Anoop said. He undid Matt's pants and eased them down over Matt's ass.

"Oh Noop," Matt said, in a high-pitched voice. He was half-hard and Anoop lowered his hips down against Matt's. "Anoop! Oh my god!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Anoop said. Matt giggled and then Anoop realized he didn't really want Matt to be loud. He just wanted to have sex and listen to the music. He kissed Matt, enjoying the way they were rubbing against each other, through Matt's underwear, through Anoop's running shorts, and the music in the background, a sexy, slow-building song called Something in my Heart by Michel'le. Anoop sang a little bit of it under his breath, lips still against Matt's. "Something you should know. Something in my heart, something in my heart that's got me hooked on you."

Matt groaned underneath him, kissing him harder. Between the rain and the music and the kissing it was hard to hear anything else but something made Anoop pull away. He sat back on Matt's legs for a moment and then the sound was clear. The doorbell. He looked at Matt questioningly.

"I don't know," Matt said. Anoop got off of Matt so he pull his pants up again. Matt looked uncomfortable as he stood up.

"Roadkill," Matt said. "My grandmother's best friend naked."

"Okay, you don't have to take it that far," Anoop said. Matt did manage to open the door like a normal person. Anoop didn't go with him, he just sat on the couch, listening to the music and watching the rain bounce up against the sliding doors not too far away. He was still staring at the hazy darkness when Matt came back.

"Hey," Matt said. "He's asking for you. Charlie?"

Anoop walked to the door before he had a chance to really feel surprised. Charlie was standing there under a huge golf umbrella.

"I would have called," Charlie said. "But I barely know how to use this phone anyway. Anoop, I've been thinking about what we talked about. Is this your friend that owns the house?"

Anoop looked over to his right, startled to see Matt standing there in the doorway with him. "Hi, I'm Matt," Matt said, offering his hand into the rain.

"Matt Giraud," Charlie said after a quick shake. "I know about you. Yes, this will work. A singer and a piano player. You need this."

Flood lights switched on and then Anoop noticed the truck in the driveway. The light illuminated the pouring rain and Anoop saw a couple of men huddled around the back of the moving van, pushing the door open and lowering the loading ramp.

"I'm going to give this to you," Charlie said. "And you can't say no. That's not how this work. I give you what you need to make the music. That's what I do. Don't even try, Anoop. See, told you I would remember your name."

Anoop knew what was happening before the door opened and the moving guys hopped on the truck but Matt's mouth dropped open and his eyes got bigger than Anoop had every seen them. The piano was right there at the edge, waiting to be lifted, to be moved, and the moving crew looked like experts even though it was raining and the flood lights didn't seem like nearly enough light.

"She's a Steinway, Matt," Charlie said. "I'm sure you know a little about that."

"No way," Matt said, his voice a bit strained. The moving guys were shouting instructions. They had equipment. They covered the piano with a tarp. Anoop worried about the rain but nobody else seemed to.

"She'll fit in here," Charlie said. He was surveying the door and Anoop followed his gaze right into the heart of Matt's house. "She'll fit right in."

"Noop?" Matt said, throwing a wild look Anoop's way like Charlie wasn't even there.

"How--" Anoop said but Charlie held up his hand.

"It's a very simple thing. The men will take the piano off the truck and you will tell them where to put it. Matt, I'm sure you know a place where you want to put it."

"What?" Matt pressed his hands against his mouth.

"We can't--" Anoop said. Charlie only shook his head again.

"She wouldn't want it to go to waste. She wouldn't want it going to some stranger who wouldn't appreciate it. We rescued this piano. They didn't even know what they had. It's not about a profit for me, Anoop. It never was. I see people all the time who deserve something. I'm happy to be the one to help this time. You're a smart young man, an unusual kind of singer and your friend needs a piano. I can see it on his face. He wouldn't be acting like that if he had one."

"I've never..." Matt said, and Anoop thought that Charlie was right. Matt did _need_ a piano. "It's..." Matt left the doorway then, rushed out into the rain over to where they were still preparing to move the piano. Anoop could tell that Matt was instantly soaked but his smile reflected the glow from the flood lights more than the rain did. He stared at the piano, utterly transfixed and Anoop had even forgotten how beautiful the piano was, even in the rain, even under a dull gray tarp.

"Anoop!" Matt called from the driveway. He laughed, one of his happy laughs with a wide smile. "Charlie! _Thank_ you!"

"Play it," Charlie said. "Create great things with it. Enjoy it every day of your life, Matt. That's the important thing."

Matt put his hands on top of his head and Anoop watched him watch the moving guys ease the piano off the truck. It had been a while since he saw Matt like that, so happy he thought Matt might explode. Not since tour, definitely for the first show and maybe even the second. Anoop remembered holding Matt while he trembled in excitement from the incredible reception people had to his set. He was reminded of Matt's song as he watched Matt in the rain, soaking wet, staring at the piano like he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. _ I'm sitting here on your front step/  
I was born in the rain, I don't mind getting wet_ It was like he was seeing the real Matt come to life, the kind of Matt he needed to be. So Anoop stepped forward too, into the rain. He grabbed Matt's elbow then thought better of it and grabbed Matt's hand. He didn't care who saw.

"Noop," Matt said happily. He turned and hugged him. Anoop hugged him back, tightly, probably too tightly, and he could see Charlie watching them from the porch, under his wide umbrella and he felt satisfied that Charlie knew--the way he was looking at them, that content smile on his face, he had to _know_\--because it made the gift even more real and deliberate. Anoop buried his face in Matt's soaked shirt. He didn't want to let him go but Matt moved away to follow the piano inside.

Charlie was right. Matt knew exactly where the piano should go. He pointed the movers up to his loft area over the den area and it took them an hour to get it up there. When they were done the piano was forward, facing the large space below. Anoop imagined Matt up there, playing for his own personal party, watching everything. It hurt, a physical pain somewhere in Anoop's lower back, that he wouldn't be there.

"Looks good," Charlie said. "I put everything I use to keep her up in a box over there. Should last you a little while, Matt."

Matt stopped staring up at the piano long enough to shake Charlie's hand again then he gave him an enthusiastic hug. "I don't know how to thank you," Matt said.

"We'll take good care of the piano," Anoop said, moving closer to Matt.

Charlie nodded. "Okay, this old guy needs to get some rest. Would have been here sooner if these guys were on time. I've got a hotel waiting for me and my son wants to videoconference. I don't think that's going to work but we'll see. Videoconference. Why does he want to see me, does he think I'll run away or something?" Charlie shook his head. Anoop smiled even though Matt was grinning hard enough for all of them. "Goodnight to you both. I'm sue I'll see you again, Anoop. And I'll still remember your name. You too, Matt."

They walked Charlie to the door, waving until the truck was gone. Then Matt was gone and Anoop heard that piano. He knew Matt wasn't going to stop all night and he didn't want him too. He found a pillow and a blanket randomly stashed in the front hall closet and then he walked up the back staircase slowly, up to the loft, where Matt's hands were flying and he hadn't stopped smiling. Anoop sat on the floor and tucked the blanket around his lap. Matt seemed manic, switching from song to song or maybe it was a song he had just made up. Anoop listened with his eyes closed until he laid back when his head on the pillow. The Quiet Storm had stopped. Anoop didn't even remember turning the radio off.

"I wanted a piano like this," Matt said, still playing songs that weren't immediately familiar to Anoop but he didn't really want to have a sing-a-long anyway. "It's pretty. It's like a piano for me! It matches the bed, Noop! I've played on so many but... just a few like this. Now it's here. How did this happen? God, Anoop..." Matt trailed off, lost in the music once again. Anoop wished he could feel more angry than resigned but he felt like he had lost all of his fight. Besides, Matt was happy, he was gloriously happy in Kalamazoo and that was the most important thing. Anoop wanted to be like Charlie. He wanted to give Matt the tools he needed to make his music. So he just laid there, half-asleep, until the music stopped and then Matt was beside him on the floor, nuzzling his neck.

"Why'd you stop?" Anoop asked.

"Noop, it's late. I've been playing for hours. You were passed out."

Anoop kissed him a couple of times--barely registering Matt's lips on his so he had to kiss him again--and then Matt put his arms around him.

"Too hot for a blanket," Matt said.

"That's why I'm laying on top of it," Anoop said.

This time Matt took Anoop's pants off and Anoop helped Matt out of his shirt. They didn't go any further than that. He was too hot but Anoop wanted Matt there, close, face tucked into the crook of his elbow, arm wrapped around his stomach. Anoop drifted off the sleep again but he still heard the music in his mind which was good because he didn't want Matt's music to end.

* 

Anoop woke up early, back aching from the hardwood floor. Matt was still curled up beside him, still and quiet. He brushed his fingers through Matt's hair a couple of times but Matt didn't stir. Anoop knew he should step over him, push the door open to the master bedroom and find a way to take a shower but he wasn't ready to do that yet. Instead he took Matt's car keys and went for a drive. He found a Bed, Bath and Beyond a few miles away and bought a khaki-and-black comforter set that cost a little more than $150 but Anoop thought that Matt would like it. He also bought some assorted breakfast pastries from a quaint looking bakery. It reminded him of tour mornings when he drank way too much coffee and ate way too much junk. For a moment he wanted to go back to that. But only for a moment.

Matt was awake by the time he got back, sitting at the piano but not playing.

"You're spoiling me," Matt said when he saw the pastries. "I love that place."

"Kalamazoo is a good town," Anoop said. He put the box on the kitchen table and waited for Matt to join him. Matt devoured a glazed donut and a bear claw while Anoop picked at his muffin.

"You really think so?" Matt asked, with his mouth full.

"I was driving around," Anoop said after a few moments. "It's pretty around here."

"You always came during weird times," Matt said like Anoop had come to Kalamazoo at lot but it had actually only been twice. "It's really great during the summer and the fall like this. The Indian summer. We should go to the state park! There's a lake. We can stop by really quick today."

Anoop swallowed, wanting to do this why he still had the nerve but then the doorbell rang. For a moment he thought that Charlie was back with another piano but Matt had already jumped up from the table.

"The bed!" Matt said.

Getting the bedroom furniture in the house was much easier than the piano. Anoop hung out downstairs the whole time, flipping channels on the TV. He forgot about the comforter set until Matt shouted from the front hallway, "Noop, is this for me? Help me put it on!"

So Anoop had to go up there.

Now that he had seen the whole house everything felt much more _real_. The master bedroom looked good with the furniture. Matt had done a good job picking out the matching dark wood and Anoop like the mirror over the dresser. The room was large, even with the queen sized bed. Anoop couldn't even imagine it empty. It must have looked massive. Matt was struggling with the fitted sheet. Anoop took the other side and they smoothed it out together. Matt climbed on the bed as soon as they were finished. After a moment, Anoop joined him.

"It feels real now," Matt whispered. "I have a piano and a bed. This is mine."

Anoop felt like that was a signal. He wasn't going to hesitate anymore. "Matt," he said.

"Hey." Matt sat up on his knees, held out his hands like he knew what was going on and maybe he did. "Hear me out, Noop. Just hear me out."

Anoop pressed on, spoke a little louder. "I've been thinking about us, Matt--"

"I've been thinking about this a lot," Matt said at the same time. "We both have crazy schedules and you're all over the place--"

"Matt," Anoop said firmly. "This isn't really--"

"You don't have to be in LA!" Matt blurted out. "You could stay here."

"We shouldn't do this anymore," Anoop said, as calmly as he could, looking Matt straight in his shining green eyes.

"You could _stay_ here," Matt said. "You could stay. You know I can. Noop, I have a house! And I was thinking of you, I was. It's got everything, it's enough for both of us. I was--"

"You were supposed to come to LA!" Anoop said, and he surprised himself by yelling much louder than he had every yelled at Matt before. He took a deep breath, shielded his eyes with his hand because he didn't want to see the way Matt had to be staring but his hand was shaking.

"I tried," Matt said after a few moments.

"Bullshit," Anoop said. "You just lied."

"Hey!" Matt said, raising his voice now. "You don't know everything about me."

"What, Matt?" Anoop said. "Then what is it?"

"There's nothing wrong with staying here." Matt slipped off the bed, stood there with his arms crossed. "I'm doing the things I need to do. I'm doing them right here. Okay, I may not have a fucking record contract but it's not nothing. It would be the same thing in LA. At least I have my life here."

"You could have your life in LA," Anoop said.

"There's nothing in LA for me."

"I'm in LA."

Anoop was breathing hard and he hadn't even moved.

"I'm in Kalamazoo," Matt said quietly.

"You didn't even ask me," Anoop said.

"You didn't ask me! You didn't ask me. I asked you!"

"I didn't think I needed to ask you," Anoop said. He felt like throwing something at the wall or at Matt. Instead he just crushed one of the small pillows from the comforter set in-between his hands. "You said you were coming. You let me believe you were coming. But I was going to ask you to move in this weekend. Until I found out about..."

"I wanted to," Matt said, sounding less angry now, sounding just as sad as Anoop felt. "I tried, Anoop but... I can't. You can stay here. Why can't you come here? Why does it have to be me?"

"You should be in LA," Anoop said.

"Don't tell me what to do. I'm sick of people telling me what to do!"

"I'm not going to live here, Matt," Anoop said, staring at the comforter which was so new and smooth beneath him. He wanted to curl up in a ball right on top of it. He kept the pillow twisted in his hands. "I'm just... I'm not."

"I'm not moving to LA, Anoop."

Anoop stared at the stripes on the comforter, black and khaki and khaki and black, until the blurred in front of him. He thought about Matt on the piano, Matt showing him around this impressive house. The easy way Matt smiled when he was here, the music that had come out of this place. He knew it was the right thing for Matt to stay in Kalamazoo just like he'd always been sure about his place in LA. He just wished for something different. Anoop closed his eyes, painfully.

"Noop?" Matt said. Anoop felt the weight of the bed shift as Matt sat down again. He didn't say anything. Matt put his hand over Anoop's. It was warm and familiar and after a moment Anoop took his hand and squeezed.

"It's not so bad, Noop," Matt said softly. "Even if we were living together we'd be busy."

Anoop opened his eyes only when he thought it was safe. He looked down at their hands, fingers intertwined. He remembered the first time they did this, too. It was almost better than the kiss.

"It's been a year, Matt," Anoop said. "And it's not getting any better."

"But it's not _bad_," Matt insisted but Anoop shook his head.

"I miss you all the time," he said. "All the time."

"I miss you too, Noop," Matt said.

"All the time," Anoop said again, quietly, thinking about the persistent ache in his stomach sometimes or between his eyes. He just didn't know how to make that better.

"Maybe we should..." Anoop trailed off and then started over, more definitively now because he had to do it. "We shouldn't do this anymore. We're not getting anywhere."

"Anoop..." Matt said, stretching his name out, almost pleading.

"I wanna be--" Anoop started and it only sounded silly. "We should still be friends. You're my..."

He trailed off, forcing himself to look at Matt with that hurt look on his face. He kissed Matt then because he didn't know what to do. Matt kissed him back, not a sweet kiss, but a hungry kiss, the way they kissed after a long time of missing each other and it was like this whole relationship was just one episode after another of missing each other in so many ways. He knew the missing wasn't going to end. There was so much that Anoop was going to miss. He would miss the way Matt's mouth felt on his body, hot lips, his cool tongue, smooth teeth, so gentle and the way they all worked together in surprising ways. He'd miss Matt's body on top of his, or beside him, or underneath him, so delightfully close that he could feel Matt's heart thumping underneath his skin. He'd miss undressing him and looking at him and kissing him somewhere that would make Matt twitch. They didn't say a word, just kissed and touched and each other using everything that they knew about each other. Matt had the lube and Anoop slipped his fingers inside knowing that it would be the last time for this, too.

Anoop grabbed his wallet from the floor. The first thing he noticed when he opened it was the ticket. The second was the condom. He took the condom out and then stopped.

"Matt," he said. "Do you mind... if we don't..." he held up the condom. Matt shrugged.

"It's only been you, Noop," Matt said quietly. Anoop slipped the condom back in his wallet carefully and then he let it fall back to the floor.

It was different now, without the condom. A little harder. Anoop had to use more lube. He liked having Matt lie on his side where he could touch Matt almost everywhere even though he was focusing on Matt's cock. He moved slowly, not only because Matt was tight but because he wanted both of them to last. He didn't really think about fucking Matt in those sappy terms before, like making love, but he would say that this came close. Matt was breathing shallowly and at one point Anoop asked him if it hurt but Matt just shook his head. He stared at the freckles on Matt's shoulder and kissed him there.

"Anoop," Matt said, arching his ass into him. "I want you to do it harder."

They switched positions so Anoop could have a better angle and then he focused on fucking Matt harder while he listened to Matt groan, clutching his sides, grabbing his cock until Matt was clutching the sheets and crying out and Anoop called his name over and over again and even after Matt came and then Anoop followed. He pushed Matt away and clasped against the covers. He felt like he couldn't breathe, clutching at his chest. They brand new sheets where sticky and damp now. They should have used a condom.

He didn't know how long he lay there until Matt put a hand on his back.

"Noop," Matt said. Anoop rolled over, feeling guilty. Each time they kissed Anoop didn't know whether it would be the last so he acted like it was until they kissed again.

"Matt," Anoop said, remembering. He leaned over the side of the bed and found his wallet on the floor. He took a deep breath, opening it so he saw the condom but there was also the ticket beside it. He pulled out the ticket and unfolded it carefully. Row G. He just couldn't picture it.

"Who sat here?" Anoop said, holding up the ticket. Matt stared at him blankly. "Who's ticket is this?"

"Oh, that," Matt said. "It's mine."

"I know, but where did you get it from?"

"I bought it," Matt said. "I bought the ticket."

"You bought a ticket to our own show?"

"Yes. I mean, it was our show, Noop. I wanted to remember."

Anoop touched the signatures on the back, one last time. He expected it to feel silly whenever he looked at the ticket but it never did. Then he folded the ticket back in half and kissed Matt again so it wasn't the last time and then kissed him once more, still waiting for when the kisses would stop happening.

"You should have it," Anoop whispered.

"No," Matt said. "I gave it to you."

"It's yours." Anoop pushed it into Matt's hand. "It's your ticket."

Matt crushed the ticket in his hand and then sat up and ripped it in half, straight down the middle. He tore it again, opened his hands and let the pieces scatter on the floor.

"Guess it doesn't mean anything anymore," Matt said in a flat voice. "Tour's over."

Anoop just laid there beside him. They were silent for a long time. Anoop waited until he felt stable enough to speak.

"I really do like this bed," Anoop said.

"Yeah," Matt said, rolling over, getting to his feet. "I'll make sure to get something similar for the guest room."

He walked stiffly to the bathroom, closed the door and didn't come out for a long time. Anoop didn't try to say anything. He just laid there, flat on his back on the comfortable bed, stared at the ceiling and let the tears pool in his ears until he couldn't stand it anymore.

* 

Anoop had arranged to take the latest flight out that evening. It left at 6pm going to Chicago to continue the promo. He stayed in the bed, thinking that was a mistake until Matt came out and he turned away, hiding his face and wiping his eyes. When the door shut and he was sure Matt was gone, Anoop got off of the bed and went to the bathroom. Matt had a washcloth and towel folded on the back of the toilet for him. Anoop hadn't really thought about the bathroom but it was nice with marble countertops and a nice slate tile. Matt was doing good here. Anoop knew he was doing good.

He just wished it could be together.

Anoop found Matt at the piano after his shower. He wasn't playing, just sitting there and staring at it. Anoop joined him on the bench.

"How did you get Charlie to give this to me?" Matt asked without looking at him.

"I just showed him which cord to stick inside his Blackberry," Anoop said. After a moment Matt cracked a smile.

"Thank you," Matt said. "Whatever you did." Matt started playing something and Anoop focused on the way Matt's hands moved, feeling the way it was so effortless yet all of Matt's focus was right there. The song was more jazzy than most of Matt's original material and Anoop could tell that it was just about the piano, and he liked it that way. He closed his eyes just to see the colors of the music there. The song was fast-moving but also wistful and sad. Anoop wondered if it was about them and he hoped that it was.

The song ended on a minor chord, an unfinished note. Anoop opened his eyes and found Matt staring at him.

"There's a production company here," Matt said. "I think we're close to starting something. I'll... I'll let you know."

"Yeah, Matt," Anoop said. He wanted to touch his hands but he didn't dare. He wanted to tell him that he only wanted them both to be happy but he didn't say that either.

"Hey," Matt said, still touching the piano keys lightly and not looking at Anoop. "I think I'm going to go to church. There's a service at one. Do you want to come?"

"Sure," Anoop said. "Should I..." He looked down at what he was wearing, dark blue cargo shorts and a white UNC t-shirt. Matt waved his hand.

"Come as you are, they say," Matt said. He finally looked at Anoop, flashed a tentative smile. "I think God has more important issues than that."

Matt's church wasn't too far away and they got there about ten minutes early. People were piling inside and ushers handed out programs and cold Capri Suns at the door.

"There's always a little something-something going on," Matt said. Anoop gave him his drink. "A little treat."

The church was large and open with a full band on stage playing music as everyone took their seats. There was balcony seating above them and plenty of chairs on the floor. Although with the stained glass windows were three projector screens up front to cover all sides of the seating. They sat somewhere in the middle of the main floor and Matt stood up to wave at the pastor who waved back with a bright smile, a good-looking guy in his 40s, as far as Anoop could tell. The people around them were friendly, talking to Matt and introducing themselves to Anoop. It was a mixed congregation, quite a few different races, people of all ages. Anoop watched one guy dance with his young daughter, holding her hands while she stood on a chair and wiggled her hips to the a Christina rock song. Then they switched it to something more gospel. Matt clapped along and looked completely at ease. Anoop didn't know why that hurt his feelings so much.

"Welcome!" the pastor said after the band finished their latest song and everyone was standing, clapping, cheering and then waiting. "It is already a glorious day. I want to start off with something positive. Let us pray."

Everyone around him bowed their head. Matt had his hands clasped innocently in front of him. Anoop had been to many churches and he always wondered if everyone was really praying the same thing as the pastor in front of them. Anoop closed his eyes and let the words wash over his ears from the speakers but he added his own wish.

He prayed that he and Matt would be okay.

The sermon was called Choices and Compromises. Matt looked at him when the pastor said that. Anoop couldn't help raising his eyebrows.

"What if they start playing your song?" Matt whispered in his ear. For a moment it was just like old times when Anoop smiled at him. But then he remembered and it wasn't.

There were bibles hanging from the back of the chairs in front of them. Anoop reached over to borrow one but Matt had his own, something that Anoop hadn't seen before, dog-eared and worn yet hearty with his name embossed inside of the front cover.

"That's nice," Anoop said, touching the bible lightly.

"16th birthday," Matt said. He stared down into it and Anoop opened his own, trying to find the verse. After a moment, Matt helped him.

Anoop always felt a little awkward in church, not knowing exactly when to stand or sit down, clumsy with following along in the bible, unsure of the words to the songs and keeping his eyes open when everyone prayed most of the time but this time he focused on being close to Matt, watching him, observing him here and thinking about Matt's words--_You don't know everything about me_\--and wondering how much he was truly missing.

"Choice does not mean compromise," the pastor said, voice reverberating all around them. "Compromise does not mean sacrifice."

Anoop let the words echo in his head, tried to analyze them against his own life but standing there, surrounded by all this guidance, he still felt mostly lost. There were personal stories, examples from the Bible and Anoop followed along the best that he could. The music was always good. The church boasted some incredible singers and for a moment Anoop wondered if they ever thought about Idol and then he felt silly.

The service ended with everyone shaking the hands of the people on either side of them but most people were giving hugs. Anoop hugged the stranger on his left, a nice-smelling middle-aged lady who thanked him enthusiastically for coming and said that she hoped he would be there next week. Then he turned to Matt.

"Did that help?" Anoop asked before he could think about it.

Matt nodded with a sad smile on his face. "I still hate this, Noop," he said. They hugged tightly and Anoop thought about the words: compromises, sacrifices and choices. Despite everything it still felt like the right decision and maybe that's what God wanted him to know.

"Thanks for bringing me," Anoop said.

"There might be traffic," Matt said. "We should probably go."

Anoop's stuff was already in the car so they immediately got on the road. The drive to Kalamazoo already seemed like a distant memory as Matt drove past the city limits, back on the highway toward Detroit. It was strange, not knowing what to say. The only thing that had come easy throughout the whole thing was talking. Anoop felt like he could always talk to Matt. That was the last thing he wanted to lose.

The radio station started breaking up once they got further down the road and when Matt didn't touch the dial Anoop reached out and pushed seek hesitantly. The radio automatically scrolled through the stations, most of them static, until Anoop heard some very familiar opening notes and he and Matt both reached out to push the seek button at the same time, fingers colliding. Anoop looked at him for the first time in a while.

"I love this song," Matt said.

It was almost like being on stage again, singing Don't Stop Believe with Matt in the car. He could see Matt on the piano, Megan beside him, Kris and Adam coming up the lift and everyone else all around. They walked forward, step touched a few times, thrust their fists in the air. Back then everything was easy when they thought it was hard.

Anoop knew better now.

The drive back seemed much shorter. Anoop skipped past one set of commercials when they picked up the Detroit radio stations and then the next station was playing his song.

"No, stop," Matt said. Anoop's hand hovered over the button and then he let it drop in his lap. He remembered Matt playing the song at the store and then saying to him _That's a song sad, Noop_ like he knew something, even then.

"I love this song," Matt said, almost like he was talking to himself. Anoop wondered if it was vain but he really liked to hear Matt sing it. This time Matt sort of chanted the words, "Now I'm saying goodbye when I should say hello. Been holding on but I think it's time to let you go." Matt turned to him. "That's the part I always remember."

"It's just a song," Anoop said, which sounded idiotic that he just leaned over and rested his head on Matt's arm. Matt didn't tell him to move. He stayed like that until Matt parked in the parking garage of the airport, where they'd really have to say goodbye.

Matt walked him to security. Anoop had his carry-on luggage with him and his ticket.

"Okay," Matt said, breaking the silence. "Have a good flight, Noop."

They didn't move.

Then Matt said, "Is this for real?" That's when Anoop realized that the last time he kissed him really was the last time and it wasn't going to happen again. Instead he hugged Matt, not quite like they used to, but almost, just as tight. Matt hugged him back. For a moment they looked just like everyone else.

"Thank you," Anoop whispered in Matt's ear before he let him go. His muscles ached like he'd spent a couple of hours at the gym but Anoop knew it was just this. "Enjoy your piano," he said.

"Bye, Noop," Matt said. Then he took a deep breath, let it out slowly, seemed to make a conscience decision, a correction. "Bye, Anoop."

"Bye, Matt," Anoop said. He went through security and didn't turn around, didn't turn back until he knew Matt would be gone but that didn't stop him from hoping that Matt would be there anyway.

The airport was quiet, uncrowded and Anoop found an empty area near the big picture windows that faced the runway. He watched the planes land and taxi to their final destination. He'd be on a plane soon, taking off for Chicago and then for St. Louis and all the other cities on the tour. He tried to tell himself that this trip was the same as any other one. He'd check in with people when he landed, go to sleep, get up bright and early for another day. There was so much to focus on, so much work to do. He'd call Matt in a couple of days and check on him or he'd call him in a couple of weeks or maybe not at all. Not at first.

Anoop told himself he did the right thing, the only thing that he could. That's how he felt after church but now he wasn't so sure.

It wasn't long until everyone was lining up to board. Anoop patted down his cargo pants for his boarding pass when he felt something deep inside the pocket near his knee. He fished out the piece of paper and stared at it in surprise for so long that he didn't look up again until the attendant was calling final boarding call and looking at him pointedly. Anoop hurried on the plane and got in his seat before looking at the paper again.

It was part of the ticket Matt gave him, July 5th 2009, two pieces taped together so that Matt's signature was visible under the invisible tape. Anoop brought it to his face and he could still smell Matt--he could still smell _them_\--and he remembered everything just like it was happening in front of his eyes. Anoop slipped the ticket back into his pocket and looked out of the window into the darkening sky where all he could see were clouds and the hint of stars. If Matt were there he might have said it to his face but he wasn't so Anoop just whispered, "I love you" to the glass, clutching his scrap of the ticket in his hand.

Anoop's reflection was the only thing that stared back.


End file.
